Carbs?!?

I'm on day 4 of changing my (and my family's) diet to a much lower carb diet than we were used to (not low carb in the grand scheme of things go) and I just had a brief discussion with a friend who is an insider to the natural foods industry. I was telling her about our new plan (she is just starting her own food experiment - the fasting diet) and her thoughts on the low carb idea were, "but we've been eating whole grain for way more than 50 years or whatever the statistics on obesity are saying. And there are lots of cultures who eat whole grains who aren't diabetic and obese."

Which got me thinking. One of the things that was covered at both lectures on insulin and diet was the scary statistic about how much more sugar we've been eating over the last 300 years. I wondered if there was the same data for carbs, and if so, why that wasn't included in the presentations.  Here's what I found...

basically this is from 1909-1997, the black dots are the total carbs consumed, the black bars are what percent of those total carbs were carbs from fiber 

Am J Clin Nutr May 2004 vol. 79no. 5 774-779

You can see, that the scary statistic about our body being able to handle about 60-80g of net carbs per day and the average american eating 300-800g of carbs isn't quite so scary when you look at this chart. Or, maybe it is... depends on how you look at it. 

The part that makes this chart reassuring is it seems to say, it's not the total carb part of the equation that is the end all be all of the argument. People didn't have diabetes and obesity and infertility rates like we do now in 1909 and they still ate way more than 60-80g of carbs per day.

But, the part that makes this chart scary is how much whole grains and high fiber carbs they were getting vs. our dismally low levels now. If you look at 1909 the percent of carbs that were fiber was way higher.

So, what do I take away from this PLUS the last 4 days of changing my family's diet?

I think we all eat WAAAAY more carbs then we every imagine. I considered my diet to be above average and in line with the healthy eaters of America, and yet once I started to focus on decreasing carbs I realized how much of the low fat, high carbs mentality I had (even though I eat all whole fat dairy and don't use low fat crap, cook with butter, etc. there was still a ton of room for change). We were eating fruit, whole grains, and enough random granola bars, crackers with cheese, and whole grain bread to really wrack up the grams, plus the mindless consumption of sugar... dried fruit, kefir, yogurt, a glass of juice a day, some sweet dessert... you get the idea. We really were eating a lot of healthy foods, PLUS a lot of sugar and mindless carbs.

I also realized how hungry we always were and how we just kept eating more and more... bigger portions, 2nd helpings, frequent snacks. And how our idea of a portion of carbs in particular got really out of control.

And the hungry thing I totally see as linked to the body pumping out insulin all day long because of the constant stream of sugar in the blood. And that I feel is worth a period of decreasing the carbs (not to a crazy low level like some diets suggest), but low enough and long enough to let my body get used to it and stop feeling like the other way is the norm.

The carbs I get from dairy, complex carbs, and fruit I'm limiting to 6og or less per day

I am not counting any carbs from any veggies (except the starchy ones like sweet potatoes)

I am not counting one glass of red wine per day

I am actually eating a fair amount of fruits and grains, but the serving size is WAY smaller to keep the carb total down.

I'm finally starting to feel full and not hungry all the time, and I'm guessing (because I had a pretty healthy diet in other ways) I'm getting off on the lucky side of things. My husband, who has more blood sugar issues is still feeling like he's starving with these changes. My kids do fine the first half of the day, then start begging for sugary foods like more fruit the second half of the day.

Here's what I ate today:

Breakfast: 1/4 cp full fat vanilla yogurt, 1 T peanut butter and a dozen rasperries in a parfait plus 1 soft boiled egg and some tea

Snack: walnuts, water

Lunch: Small piece  of ham, mashed cauliflower with cheese and butter, steamed broccoli with butter S&P, 1/2 cp whole milk

Snack: Kombucha, a 1 1/2 inch cube of gorgonzola cheese and some carrots and cauliflower

Dinner: a small piece of ham, a bunch of oil&vinegar coleslaw (with carrots, red onion), some honeydew melon, 1/2 cup of red wine, water

After dinner snack: walnuts, a blob of goat cheese and 1/4 cup strawberries 

bedtime: tea with half and half

I don't feel like I'm eating a boatload of fat, but I feel like I'm eating what I do eat with joy and feel good about having small portions of things like cheese and meat and butter. I'm by far eating more veggies and instead of just mindlessly grazing or throwing in something with a bunch of carbs, I'm still having fruit, but it's just smaller portions. 

8 different veggies (all fairly big servings)

3 fruits (just smaller portions)

yummy dairy (small portions)

some good nuts & meats

That doesn't seem like some crazy diet to me, it just seems like mindful, healthy, get my body on track with the cravings for sugar and simple carbs. 

In 6-8 weeks I'll start allowing myself a little more leeway with introducing some truly whole, naturally occurring grains back in the mix and of course, I'm not going to be a crazy person when I'm traveling or we are eating with others (outside our home). But I'm still excited about this and it feels like it makes sense!

One final thought, the thing I keep coming back to is that statistic on 50-70% of americans being OBESE by 2030. I know 50-70% of Americans are not eating what they would consider to be a terrible diet, so it's worth changing things up. 

The more I read, the more the carb/fat debate seems to be a hot button issue, but I feel like if I'm doing this with common sense, critical thinking and while listening to our bodies, this doesn't have to be a "which camp are you in" thing, but rather a shift towards good, real foods and mindful eating on a new level!

Radical Acceptance - A Poem

Many weeks there are themes in the visits at my clinic.

This week, that idea was radical acceptance. The technical definition is something like this:

Radical Acceptance is a term used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy that was developed by Marcia Linehan. The term refers to the ability to completely accept a situation exactly as it is in the moment without trying to change it.


In my way of thinking, radical acceptance is about not necessarily having to like or embrace something, but rather deciding that it is what it is and not taking all the extra energy it takes to wish, curse, scheme, or imagine it otherwise. Radical acceptance is accepting life on life's terms. This ultimately boils down to accepting that for everything that really matters, we have little control (and pretending or going through life with the belief that we do creates suffering as well as takes up a lot of your bodies resources and leads to lots of stagnation).

So, imagine my surprise when I was emptying an old basket of papers that were about 3 years old and I found this little note that I wrote when I was worrying about repeating the complications I had during the birth of my daughter at the upcoming birth of my son.

Here's what I wrote to myself...

Let Go
THIS is all there is
here is all there is
now is all there is

Let Go
fighting this
will not make it less true
giving in is freedom

There is a difference in being
aware
mindful
intentional
focussed
and control

There is a difference
in what is right
sane
balanced
and healthy
and what you desire.

Here is everything
everything is here.
You do not know what will come
you cannot know the outcome.

You can only be here
you can only make these choices.

Gratitude
Breath
Here
Perfection


Hope it helps you :)
Nicole

Comedy for the Soul - Tig Notaro

Have you heard of Tig Notaro?

I heard her a while back on the radio show This American Life and she was amazing.

Fast forward a year or so and I came across her again. This time in her amazing live comedy set on iTunes called Live (pronounced as in rhymes with give). 

It is well worth the $5 in my opinion to download the cd and listen to the set. Totally inspired, honest, vulnerable, strong, real... inspiring.

Let me give you a rundown....

Tig had pneumonia, which lead to a horrible infection that ravaged her gut called C Dif. Then her mom died unexpectedly, then she got dumped, then she found out she had breast cancer... four days later, she does this comedy set. It made me cringe, laugh, cry, cringe some more, and then blubber...

Not really the person you'd expect to make you laugh and yes, it is uncomfortable & hard to hear, but somehow it ends up being absolutely wonderful.  

And the love she gets back from the crowd!?  If I wasn't already totally inspired (okay, I was),  this pushed me over the top. When I listen to this, I think, we really are okay us humans (which is nice in a day and age where most people assume they have good intentions, but most other people don't...). 

I guess for me, there are a lot of layers of why I like this, but one of the main ones is, we are so afraid of death and dying in this culture and we are so uncomfortable talking about hard stuff. We tend to encourage others or ourselves  to "stay positive," or "stay hopeful." And, while there is certainly room for hope and positivity and these things can be helpful, this one sided approach is a real disservice to everyone. It isn't real, it isn't logical, it certainly isn't healthy or helpful (to ALWAYS be positive). What is healthy and helpful is to be REAL. To say how you are feeling, to allow yourself the permission to go with the ups and downs, not to fight to look or feel or present how you are dealing with something hard in just this certain way, but to be honest.

If we all did this, I think we'd feel a lot less alone and a lot more like members of humanity... interconnected, with bonds of hardship, challenges, and life. Instead of like we alone are suffering or failing, or a bad person for "failing" at feeling on the inside what other people are presenting on the outside. Tig shows us a glimpse of a her inner world.

Let's get real. Not to be drama queens, not to wallow in our suffering, but to honor the WHOLE experience of being alive. That's what it means to me to really do what Tig Notaro so eloquently shows us... LIVE.

Nicole

SIn City - Yin City

I'm home after a lovely long weekend vacation with my husband. It was a-mazing! We don't travel a ton, most times he takes off work are to travel home to Wisconsin (where both of our families live between a 5-7 hour car ride away), which is always fun and enjoyable, but doesn't exactly feel like a get-a-way what with packing, driving all day, staying in our old bedrooms with our two kids sleeping in the same room as us... you get the idea :)

This time, we went to Las Vegas, which, apparently is the place my patients would universally vote as, "the place they'd least likely suspect me of vacationing!" Yes, it is an unconventional choice, for someone in such a granola career path, but the truth is, my husband and I were excited to go! It was someplace we could go for a long weekend and someplace we don't anticipate ever wanting to bring our kids. And since we travel infrequently, we try not to go to the same place more than once... so many places, so little time!

But enough about where we went and onto this post's point! I value YIN... you know if you've read this blog much... yin is down time, NOT doing, quiet, still, dark, the opposite of multitasking, achieving, lights, action, etc.

I've established we don't travel much, that we only plan on going to Vegas once, that we had just 4 days. That combined with the fact that IT'S LAS VEGAS would probably make you suspect that we wanted to cram every possible thing in and that this trip was bound to be Yang, Yang Yang!  But oh, no!  We had a Yin City experience!  (To be honest, I think that might officially be the cheesiest thing I've ever posted, but there it is!)

Two of the three afternoons we were there we went back to our hotel room and... drum roll please... napped!  King size bed, white sheets, fluffy pillows... aaaaaaaah!  For like 2 hours!  Then we lazily played card games... in our hotel room!  We're talking UNO games!  We slept in, I took baths, we came "home" early and watched a movie in our room... We didn't rush to anything. It was fantastic.

Did I feel a little guilty? You bet!  Was it enough to make me stop, no way! We did two shows, ate great food, walked a bunch, people and place watched, and gambled (less than $20 but when in rome!) We had cocktails, we indulged in dessert. We went from hotel to hotel looking at all the "vegas-ness" of it all. It was a perfect mix of yin and yang. Sure, I didn't get to see every single thing I wished I could have. I had to trade doing certain things for not doing anything at all, but the trade off was BALANCE!  I came home really recharged and rested and even though I technically could take a nap for two hours on any old weekend in my own home, I usually don't and when combined with all the new fantastic things I did actually do, it was a near perfect mix.

Whether it's in your day to day life, your next vacation, or anything in between, try to add a little yin into your routine. I can't say it enough, it isn't a waste, it's an essential part of being a moderate, healthy, balanced human being. Your body and mind will love the vacation from all that Yang.

Giddy Up! Neuroplasticity, Qi and teaching an old horse new tricks!

I once heard a fascinating talk by a neurobiologist about neural wiring (I wish I could remember her name or find the talk again, but alas, it was over a decade ago and I have googled it every way I can possible think to with no luck!) It was very much based on the idea that "nerves that fire together wire together." In this talk there was a very simple analogy that I absolutely LOVE and still regularly use (professionally and personally) pretty much every day... I'll share it with you in a moment!

But first, a little scientific detour! If you use certain neural pathways in your brain more often, they get reinforced to work better and fire faster. You can look at the brain and actually see this!  For example, people who are more resilient and less prone to staying anxious, depressed, or angry tend to have stronger connections and more/stronger neural activity between their left prefrontal cortex (higher functioning conscious brain) and their amygdala (an area of the brain highly associated with experiencing emotions). The theory is that because this connection is reinforced, the conscious higher brain can actually send messages to the emotional brain to help it calm down - COOL!  (To read a whole fabulous article about this from Mindful Magazine click here.)

Me being the geek/traditional chinese medicine practitioner that I am, have used these ideas for years to talk not only about brain science, but qi (chee). The qi is the energy in your body but, honestly, it doesn't really matter what paradigm you are looking at things through (east or west), the bottom line for BOTH is that the body gets used to certain patterns, sometimes healthy and sometimes not and the longer or more those patterns are reinforced, the harder you have to work to unlearn them and learn new (hopefully healthier) ones instead! 

Now back to the fabulous analogy, it went something like this... 

In the old timey days when things were delivered via horse and cart the horses would memorize their route. After a while, the driver would hardly have to prompt the horses at all. They would stop at the learned stops, wait an appropriate amount of time, continue on their way, make all the correct turns, and do the entire route practically on their own.

This is all well and good, but when the route was somehow changed, the horses would get VERY worked up. Ask a horse who is used to turning right every day at a certain crossroads to turn left instead... well, hold on to your hat!  The driver would have to grab the reigns, hold tight, give strong commands and really consciously direct the horse in the other direction. It doesn't end there, as the horse goes down the new route it behaves in an agitated way. It is a scary thing to go down uncharted territory. (What the horse may not understand is that the new route, actually is easier... say, going left means going downhill on a smooth road, versus that old route, where going right meant going uphill on bumpy terrain.) 

Do you see where this is going?

The horse, is your brain to that neurobiologist. The horse is your qi to me (okay, actually your brain and your qi to me). And this is how it is with our patterns of behavior, emotions, and responses to life. Our 'horses' get used to going a certain route, over and over, year after year. Perhaps they were learned decades ago. Patterns of things like, being a stoic scandinavian, blowing up and having a short fuse, feeling like a victim, worrying about everything, assuming if you don't do it no one will, feeling sad and overwhelmed.  These are just patterns you have learned and enforced each time you experience them. These are just the patterns your qi/brain knows the best and takes off down without you having to do a thing.

So, how do you make a change?

Well, like anything awareness is key!  You have to identify that this is happening and which routes your particular 'horse' keeps heading down. Then, just like those old timey horse and cart drivers, you must grab the reigns and lead your resistant, grudging horse down the path that is the one you really want to go down.

And it doesn't feel nice at first. In fact, when you first start to do this, it sucks. It feels all wrong, totally foreign, and you'll absolutely swear that the old route is, in fact, easier. That's your horse talking!  

Don't listen! Hold the reigns even tighter and give yourself a big "Whoa!"  It won't feel good for a while. But if you can stick with it you'll learn the new route. 

Quick example. I worked with a fabulous woman, her horses had the route of, "If I don't do it, no one will," "No one will do it like I will," "I don't have time for me," and "Go, go, go!" down pat. I explained to her that one of the biggest things she could do to get in balance would be to stop behaving this way. If she could manage this, she would stop spending all her body's resources on these behaviors and have more left to go towards her real goal - becoming a mom. 

She intuitively knew this was true, and because she wanted to achieve her dream of being a mom she decided to grab the reigns and really really try to go a different direction. 

She stopped working crazy hours. She went to yoga or to the gym instead of doing more work. She put a little sign on her door at work that said do not disturb and took little naps and quiet times, she sat around in the evening and watched TV instead of researching, working, doing more. 

And she hated just about every moment of it! It felt stressful, it felt foreign, it felt unproductive.

She came to my office and told me her horses, "really do not like you Nicole!"  Joking slightly, but also being honest.

She told me her horses weren't fond of me every single visit for a good month or two. She had seen another acupuncturist prior to me that hadn't done much in the way of stress reduction, emotional work, etc., but spent the few minutes they did chat each week focusing on exactly what her cycle was doing, what her cervical mucus or menstrual blood was like, etc.  She told me she was wondering if I was missing something by not focusing on these things (although I had gotten a 2.5 hour intake and wrote a 6 page report about her when we began working together so I had gotten a good snapshot of what I needed to do in these areas). I told her that was not my way of working (I spend a good 1/2 hour talking about life, emotions, diy options, things that have changed and the whole person at each of my visits) and that I would absolutely respect her choice if she decided I wasn't the right fit for her.  

Then, her horse got the new route!

She came into the office BEAMING!  I mean literally beaming!!!  She exclaimed, "MY HORSE GOT IT!"  And she never looked back. All the sudden, she hit a point where the new route became familiar. It had been reinforced enough times she didn't need to force it. She didn't want to work from dawn until dusk, she didn't want the weight of the world on her shoulders, she could say no, she could do less, and she felt amazing!  I was so proud!!  

And in the grand tradition of student becoming teacher, this particular patient has become SO good at this new route, she has occasionally had to set me straight when I do a bit more than I should. And I do my best to listen because I consider her a pro :)

And as she approaches the birth of her baby, she has more than once expressed what a completely different type of mom she will be, all because she grabbed the reigns for those two uncomfortable months. What a healthy, lovely example she will be setting for someone in the next generation, and how much more will she be able to enjoy being a mom and alive. 

I hope you will give this a try. It won't be easy, but it really is one of the most powerful and healing things you can do for yourself.

One last tip. I encourage you to share what you are doing and this analogy with at least one other person who knows you well. Then encourage that person to remind you... "where are your horses?" or "redirect those horses!"  My husband and I do it for one another (and as my personal route is having a short temper) it is always a mix of wanting to strangle him and wanting to kiss him for keeping me on the right path. It's a good thing to have support!  

Under Pressure

Cue the queen song... "pressure pushing down on me, pressing down on you, no man asking for..."  (and yes, I'm aware it might be stuck in your head all day... you're welcome!)

Lately a theme of my own life, as well as my work (funny how that works!) has been pressure. I hear it so many ways and see it so many places, but it all comes down to this. The feeling that there is an immediate need or demand for your attention or action. Something that cannot wait. Something that must be done. No ifs ands or buts. I mean NOW!

Only problem is, there's always a steady stream of these demands. These pressures. And so it becomes this horrible, never ending I HAVE to do this or (ominous music)... dum dum duuuuuum... way of living.

And what is the one thing that NEVER has to be done? The one thing that there isn't one single immediate effect if you put it off?  (job - nope, finances - nope, housework - nope, errands - nope, email and texts - don't get me started!)

The one thing that can always be put off is down time.

No one ever says, "Well, Shit!  My boss is totally going to ream me out because I didn't take some ME time."  or "Oh my god, I can't believe I completely forgot to just relax today, what's wrong with me?!" "Hold on, I've got to put 'sit around and relax' in my calendar so I don't forget!"

Imagine a world where you might say, "If I don't just chill out, then WHO, I ask you WHO WILL?!"  or how about a world where you get in a fight with your partner, "Why am I always the one who has accomplish absolutely nothing?"

I wish we lived in a different world.

Because the truth is, someone IS going to have a major problem with your lack of self care. And something really IS going to give due to your complete lack of dedications to this part of your life, but it won't be right away, and it won't feel like a direct consequence. Even though it is...

That someone is YOU and that something is your health (and likely your relationships, your sanity, your quality of life...) None of these are going to call you into an office and tear you a new one (or if they do, count yourself lucky and LISTEN to what they are saying for the love of all things holy!) but if you keep listening to all the immediate needs, all the pressure. You WILL have problems, maybe not today, but eventually.

I hope you'll think about it and make some changes. It really is worth it, and if enough of us can lead by example, it might just catch on. Wouldn't that be a lovely thing! It's funny what a domino effect this can have and it feels so good if you can just get in the habit of it and make it a priority.

And one more thing... if you haven't done this and you aren't used to it, it'll likely freak you out for a while. You might feel like relaxing is harder than continuing to go full tilt. Stick with it. You'll get the hang of it once your brain and your body feel like it's familiar and not some weird unknown threat. Practice makes perfect!

Nicole

The Haves and the Have Nots

Usually this is a phrase applied to socioeconomic status... those with money and those without. But I was at a couple of events today and it really struck me how it could apply to those couples with kids and those without.

I don't know why it's so obvious. The difference between us - those raising kids and those who aren't. Yes, raising kids takes a lot of energy, time, and is quite reasonably very present in our minds... when we are at said events we are always on the lookout for what our kids are doing (hopefully not sneaking their 5th cupcake, or beating their sibling over the head with a toy for example). But we all have lots in common in lots of other ways. We may live in the same geographical place, regularly work, eat, exercise, and do things to unwind. Most of us watch TV and listen to  the radio. We generally read and watch movies and like music. Yet, somehow something that sort of kills me happens at all too many events. It's all about the kids. Now, I've got two kids, they are the light of my life, the apples of my eye... yadda yadda, you know the cliche sayings... they are all that to me - for real, they rock! But it's a tricky trap... getting sucked into thinking the world revolves around them. A. It doesn't (unhealthy for me and them to pretend that it does) B. What sort of huge let down will being an empty nester be if I lose myself along the way and C. How terribly hard this is to the people in my life who not only do not have their own kids, but who want them?

So, if you have kids and are reading this. I challenge you to make a real effort to discuss a variety of topics with those around you (both those with kids and those without). Not, avoiding discussing your kids (that's weird too!), but not letting that eclipse everything else, and see how it feels. I think it's healthy in lots of ways, and I know it can make a big difference for those around you who are feeling like the odd couple out... waiting for their little ones to come and take center stage in their own lives.

A little moderation and balance is a good thing!

An Introduction!

Hello Lovely Readers!

I was just introduced to a "new" (to me) fertility voice. I'm looking forward to digging into her thoughts and writing more and seeing what Julia Indichova has to say. How I missed knowing of her is beyond me... apparently the woman has been on Oprah, which is to say, woven into the fabric of America (teehee). So far I'm liking her posts and information. She seems to walk the line between... this is all meant to be and something greater is making this happen because.... (which you know I'm not a fan of!) and this serves a purpose, there is learning and growth and health to be gained here (which you know I AM a fan of) in a nice way. She uses some really interesting imagery, insights and emotion balanced and grounded with actual science and fact... I was tickled to read several posts on her blog that were saying similar things as mine about DHEA, the more is better dangers, trusting "healers" or "experts" who cost a fortune and have you doing all sorts of time consuming and expensive things (mainstream and alternative folks included!) that make you feel worse, magic bullets and the like.

I'm excited to read and learn more about her!  I hope you'll check her out and let me know what you think...

Plus, for those of you who have come, or will come to your children through routes you wouldn't have originally dreamed of, I think Julia has a nice place for your stories and embraces them (as I do) as success too!

Check out her website

Triple Goddess

Did you know that there are lots of ways to practice Classic Chinese Medicine? There are lots of little subsystems, all based on the same foundation principles, but each with their own nuances and preferences for point selection and ways to influence the body and its resources.

Some of the systems are:
Zang Fu or Organ and Bowel: (this is the main types I use in my practice) where you focus on the functions associated with each organ in the body and the acupuncture channels associated with each organ... for example, working with the stomach channel for digestive issues, lung channel for respiration...
5 Element: instead of using the organ systems to diagnose and treat, the body is looked at in terms of various energetics - fire, earth, metal, water and wood.
8 Extraordinary Vessels: is a subtype that focusses on the deeper most primitive channels that do not run on the surface of the body. These channels are thought to be the ONLY channels you have when you are in utero and so are thought to be ways to tap into your most fundamental resources and patterns.

I recently did some continuing education taught primarily based on principles of the 8 extraordinary vessels. It was fascinating and something I look forward to learning more about and implementing into my practice. Especially as a fertility acupuncturist working primarily with women, the idea of accessing the deepest roots of a woman's energy and the only channels that were formed when she was in utero (when her eggs were also formed) is fascinating and powerful to me!

One of the most interesting concepts the instructors of this particular class discussed was the idea of women having three distinct stages of womanhood/energy.  This can be represented by the various phases of the moon (waxing/growing, full, and waning/shrinking) as well as by the idea of the archetype of the triple goddess (see the lovely image above for inspiration/weird witch like feelings... if you need to pause and go howl at the moon or rub a crystal or something feel free!)

As freaky and out there as it sounds, the idea is actually pretty intuitive. It is, that women naturally go through 3 energetic/life phases (the three goddesses). The first goddess is the Maiden... she is young, discovering her power and sense of self, independent, explores her power, full of vivacity, focussed on herself... you get the idea.  The second goddess is the Mother... she is full of life giving energy, able to create and be fruitful, she is self-sacrificing (for the sake of the greater good/nurturing), and nourishes others. The third goddess is the Crone... she has inner wisdom, is a truth seeker, and namer of truth & reality, she is able to help others break free and see the light (sometimes through tough love). It is important to remember, that although seeing these three stages in terms of literal mothering seems like an insult to those who WANT to be doing these things, but aren't able to, that they truly reply to all sorts of ways of being fruitful, creating, nurturing (not just of a child).

Here's where this plays into modern fertility struggles. Where historically, the Maiden phase would start at puberty and end around 20 where the Mother phase would begin. Many modern women stay in the Maiden phase and do not make this transition for years if not decades. They do not make the transition in their early 20s, many still don't in their late 20s, some don't through their 30's and into their 40s.  Not only is this unnatural... trying to continue to be a Maiden well past when we are naturally made to be a Maiden - (exercising and doing treatments to try to keep the body and face of a 18 year old), living life focused on being independence, not nourishing others, and focused on self over others, it is a huge detriment to fertility.

Now, I know what many will say... but why shouldn't women be able to do this? Men do it! Isn't this what women's liberation fought for?  But I would argue that TRUE women's liberation is when the natural cycles and abilities of women and their bodies are regarded equal to the natural cycles and abilities of men. Why is it, that to become stronger women have to become like men? Why shouldn't our culture value and respect women and their bodies for what they are... more yin, more nurturing, softer, more expressive and receptive, more naturally made to serve and love than to force through?  Instead our culture supports and values the exact opposite, which leads many women to avoid being a Mother for too long...

One thing is for sure... this culture of idolizing all things masculine and trying to stay more yang by being the maiden for most of our lives certainly isn't helping our fertility.

So, if you are reading this post, do a little check in and see which phase you think your body should naturally be in right now. There's no time like the present and you can't go back and change things. Ask yourself where could you focus less on yourself and trying to continue to be achieving, doing, independent and full of force and where could you nurture (yourself and other things), be softer, be reflective and receptive. It's a good place to start!

Oh, and if you think this post sucks because it makes you think question where you are and choices you've made I'm truly sorry. I promise I'm posting in the name of awareness bringing the potential for change... blame it on practitioner Nicole being a bit of the Crone... it's tough love, shedding some light on the reality of the situation. I sincerely hope it can help, even if it's not what you want to hear! Call me, we can chat :)

Much Love,
Nicole

Powerless... no, really!

Hi All,

I was on vacation last week (a little staycation with my family and husband - hurrah!) and we decided to make the end interesting by kicking it prairie frontier style without power for 4 days!  Okay, maybe mother nature decided that for us, but it sounds so much cooler the other way... wait, no nothing about 4 days without fans or AC is really cool.

So, day 3 of hauling ice, obsessively worrying about what was going to waste in our freezers and fridge, what should go in what cooler, where to get ice, if we had enough batteries, when and where to charge my phone, which windows to open, which blinds to close, how to optimize air circulation... you get the idea. I hit my melting point (oh, there are no shortage of puns with this one!)

I was wrestling a cooler filled with 40 pounds of ice and food up from the basement so I could wheel it over to a lucky neighbor with newly established power and use their fridge, when it struck... the pity party!

More specifically, the stories I tell myself...

My two personal favorites are...
If I don't do it, it won't be done (or done right)
and
I am an island, no one will help, all the pressure is all on me. I'm all alone.

BooHoooHOOO!

and also decidedly NOT TRUE... but in that moment, I didn't care!

So, I rustled up enough self awareness (behind welled up ready to bawl eyes) to tell my husband, "I'm having a pity party, I feel like all this is falling on my shoulders and I have no support. I'm about ready to cry and I feel terrible right now."

He says, "It's not my fault you obsess over things." (note to any partners reading this... this is what NOT to say... but I do understand why he said it)

I say, "Calling me obsessed is not helping. I'm telling you I'm suffering and I need help. Please help me."

He pauses, and gets on his shoes and hauls the cooler with me!

WOW WOW WOW!!

Don't mind me, while I toot my own horn, but holy cow did that work!!!

So let's analyze... because I'd really like to do this again and I bet you could put it to good use too :)

Step 1: Awareness... I'm suffering.
Step 2: More awareness... I'm suffering because I'm... XYZ.... for this case - believing these stories
Step 3: Action... change your behavior (instead of sticking with XYZ)

Voila! I'm having a moment of unadulterated pride.

I've also implemented a new mantra into my life...

It is enough.
I am enough.

Very helpful in counteracting the I have to do everything, I have to do it or it won't be done right mentality... which usually leads directly into the I'm all alone, it's all on my shoulders pressure.

Love it!
Nicole

PS. I will forever have about 1000 things related to having power to add to my gratitude practice. Let me never forget just how magnificent electricity is.

PPS. Aside from his knee jerk defensive reaction (understandable) my husband could not have reacted in a more ideal way... another little piece of gratitude for sure!

Crying and Tears - Hurrah!

Those who know me know I love a good cry!  I am moved to tears by so many touching, beautiful things and I really LOVE, LOVE, LOVE a little sob fest. If you could use a little cleansing cry, check out some of the videos on the Tiny Buddha Blog. It's one of my favorite blogs for lots of reasons, but the videos are love-el-ly!  

And since I'm on the topic of crying (and I'm sure you're dying to know more!). I did an entire project while I was getting my Master's degree in traditional Chinese medicine on the TCM purpose and source of tears. They are a powerful release and help the body become less stuck and more balanced!  And if you know I love a good cry you also probably know I love me some western research backing up what TCM has said for thousands of years...

Here's an excerpt from an article about tears in Psychology Today

Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.”

AWESOME!  I'm going to go watch a sappy video now :)

Nicole

Sleepy Poetry

I tend to have a busy mind (could you guess?) I go to sleep mindfully breathing or engaging just one sense, only for my brain to turn back on and fill many nights with random snippets of my day to day 'stuff,' deep dark worries, and lots of other random bits that somehow worm their way in during my day and worm their way back out during my night. So, last night my sleep was full of plans for retreats and thoughts of classes and lots of other randomness and I kept coming back to one of my most favorite breath awareness practices. And by the time I woke up this morning teetering between sleep and wakefulness I had turned it into a poem.

Let the Whole Sky be Yours

Let the whole sky be your Zen
that patch of blue an inhalation
and there you exhale
let the whole sky be your peace.

A cloud a thought
over there another
it is a cloudy day
let the whole sky be your calm

Let the whole sky be your quiet
back to blue
back to breath
in... out... in
let the whole sky be your still

Nicole

2500 blog posts!?

Have I mentioned I love my patients?  My practice is called Life Healing Life... as in your life touches me and mine and mine touches you and yours and there is healing!  As opposed to doctor healing patient.  That very doctor centric, I know everything, you know nothing let me fix you (or sorry, I can't fix you... it's back to your problem) kind of model of medicine.

So, I am constantly learning things from patients. I could list several awesome things I learned this week alone :)  Hopefully they've learned a few things from me too. One link someone sent me was to a blogger who had some great stuff on magical thinking (see my post last week about my take on this).

Another thing I took away from that blogger was HOW he blogged... he had no less than 2500 blog posts since 2002!)  He writes little 1-2 paragraph blog posts (as apposed to the 3 part series I tend to gravitate towards... you don't even want to know how many drafts in progress I have!). And it got me thinking. What if I wrote just little posts several times per week (in addition to how I normally post)?  So I'm going to give it a whirl!

So here's my thought of the day.  Did you know that your fight or flight response is automatic?  (You probably did) It makes intuitive sense to most, that the stress response doesn't take you willfully engaging it. Those precious milliseconds could count big time when you are being chased by a tiger or threatened with harm. But in today's world (with very few tigers or real threats to life and limb) your body hasn't learned the difference between something you are freaked out about (say, the result of your next pregnancy test or a conflict you are having in your life) and a tiger. It is on high alert and it is exhausting!

And now for the flip side. Did you know that your rest and relax response is nearly completely dependent on you willfully turning it on? You have to mindfully tell your body to relax before it relaxes. So if you don't ever do this, it is never fully relaxing (again... exhausting!)  A common refrain in my practice (and in my head) is, 'when in doubt breathe!' Deep breathing is one of the quickest and easiest ways to send your body the message that it is okay to let the guard down and save some energy (and stress hormones!). It doesn't have to be anything fancy... just take some time to think... I'm breathing in... and out.... in.... and out... and see how it feels. Even if you have to remind yourself many times each day, it is a lovely thing and the more time your body spends in a balanced state (with healthy amounts of both rest and relax and fight or flight mode) the healthier you will be!

When in doubt, BREATHE!
Ahhhhhhh,
Nicole

Manifesting, the "Reason Things Happen," and Other Slippery Slopes

One of my ever-evolving patients emailed me this link to a blog post she found helpful (as a woman who has suffered pregnancy loss). It put what I've said for a long time in such a simple way, I hope you check it out and give it some thought!

My version (never one for short versions!) goes something like this... In many instances, I don't believe things happen "for a reason." They just happen... some will inevitably feel fair and good and right, some feel rotten and unfair and wrong, but in reality, they are just things that happen and that's how life works - it's a big old jumbled up mix of ups and downs and cycles and balance (even though it is hard to see when you're in the thick of the the dis-equelibrium moments).

To take this logic a step further, I think things like manifesting something or believing something into existence feel true and do-able and awesome when things are going your way, but totally horrible and like another layer of failure when things aren't going well. In short, I think manifesting and believing something into existence is total B.S.  (Said, like a person who's been through some rotten times right?) But I promise you I'm not jaded in the slightest!  It's just that I know I didn't manifest the trauma I've experienced in my life (nor was it for some greater purpose). Just as I know people living in war and poverty didn't manifest having that life. I know women who aren't holding beautiful babies in their arms even though their hearts long for them aren't failing at manifesting them. So take that!

As the author of the aforementioned blog (and the book Magical Thinking which you can bet I'll be adding to my reading list) explores, there is lots you can do with this. It's not a helpless, disempowered vulnerable place to be. It is quite the opposite. It just takes some cultivating and practice. You can take this understanding and turn it into what you do have control over and what you can do... how you react, the choices you make, the person you want to be, how you treat others, how you treat yourself, gaining perspective, cultivating gratitude, being mindful... and so much more! These things are not only beautiful and amazing, but POWERFUL!

And some final food for thought on this subject. I was talking with my lovely officemate Sima about the dangers of this "magical thinking" and tying it into some of the things that came up during my last Busy Women's Retreat about "The Grass Being Greener;" I saw so many connections. Both beliefs have so many root causes in common, for example, having lots of choices in our lives, being bombarded with social media and pop culture which both seem to say our lives should and can be "perfect," etc. and she said something that really clicked... She said, it's a lot about privilege - being able to feel these things - the grass is greener and I can control my destiny.  And I thought to myself, that is such a lovely distilled way of saying this.

We live in a largely privileged time and place, and it is a privilege to be able to tell ourselves these things. Surely less privileged people do not maintain these ideas in the same way we do. It was perfect and insightful and lovely (which Sima is herself!) That word privilege also made me think of how those who have not had horrible things happen in their lives, things that make them question their level of control, have a sort of privilege not to know any better. Or maybe it's the other way around... I am glad I have had the shroud of illusion lifted from my eyes. It is a silver lining, it is something I can learn and take forward into my life, it is something that gives me more compassion for myself and others, it makes me grateful and more mindful... do I think the crappy stuff that happened in my life was "meant to be" so I could learn all this... nope! I think that's just what I did with some crappy luck :) What'll you do with yours?

Dear Readers,

I don't know who is reading this blog. My statistics bar tells me it is viewed about 1,000 times per month. Which leads me to feel both a profound sense of gratitude and a healthy dose of guilt for all the posts I have in my head and half written in an attempt to practice what I preach (I said attempt!)

And perhaps it's because the few people I do know personally who regularly check in to see if it has been another 3 weeks of lull or a sudden smattering of posts are women I hold dear in my heart... more and more, each time I sit down to type I really and truly hope my words and the work I do can somehow help. That they touch your heart and life and help you find balance.

It has always been a goal of mine to reach beyond the trap of focusing on a merely successful private practice (which is a lovely blessing, don't get me wrong), but to go beyond that and to help inform humanity and change the way women see themselves, their health, and their own role in being powerful and amazing beings.

Lofty goals, I know, but just 10 years into all this (not to mention being up to my ears in diapers and sleepless nights for these last 4 and with a few more to come) I've only just begun! Just wait, I don't really care so much that you know ME... I just want you to know what I believe in my heart and soul in your own heart and soul. I want you to understand yourself in a way that mainstream western medicine and culture misses the boat on. You are a miracle. Life is wise. You have so much power to make things better (in yourself and the world) - and as one quote goes... "You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are."I hope I can show you.

So thank you for reading. I promise to keep trudging through these days when I have way more posts in my head than I can find the time to get on the screen, and I promise there is so much more to come. And always, I'm sending my love.

Nicole

An Amazingly Touching Film

When I was preparing for the grass is greener retreat this month I stumbled across this short film. It was sort of amazing that I did, because I thought I'd gotten side-tracked into a tangent and was "wasting time," (I know, I know I should know better!), but when I actually watched the film it spoke to the subject so well, that I debated showing it at the retreat. Ultimately I opted not to...

Now I'm preparing for the June Women's Retreat where we'll be discussing 'The Stories We Tell Ourselves.' It is something of a variation on a theme (as these holistic things often are) and it seems even more applicable to the film. So, whether you are coming to the retreat or not, I hope you'll take a few moments of your day and watch it. You will be moved, your thoughts will be provoked, and hopefully you will learn something beautiful about yourself. And if you are moved, I hope you will think about coming to the retreat and digging a little deeper.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MOVIE
(don't click the picture below, it's just a picture, not a link!)

Two Poems

I went to a bookstore in my neighborhood and marveled at how many amazing books there are in the world. I could do nothing but read every waking moment and there would still be books left unread, ready to blow my mind, inform my understandings, and tug at my heart. I can't decide if I'm heartened or disheartened by this fact. So, I'll put it as just another one of those 'both together at the same time without blending the two' compartments of my brain.

And then, life brought me across two different poems. One by a poet I know and love, one by a poet I'd never read. And already I love them both as if they've been poems I've recited for years. So here they are for you... ready to blow your mind, inform your understandings, and tug at your heart.

Heavy

by Mary Oliver

That time

I thought I could not

go any closer to grief

without dying

I went closer,

and I did not die.

Surely God

had His hands in this,

as well as friends.

Still, I was bent

and my laughter,

as the poet said, 

was nowhere to be found.

Then said my friend Daniel

(brave even among lions),

"It's not the weight you carry

but how you carry it -

books, bricks, grief -

it's all in the way

you embrace it, balance it, carry it

when you cannot and would not,

put it down."

So I went practicing.

Have you noticed?

Have you heard

the laughter

that comes, now and again,

out of my startled mouth?

How I linger

to admire, admire, admire

the things of this world

that are kind, and maybe

also troubled -

roses in the wind,

the sea geese on the steep waves,

a love

to which there is no reply?

And this from Rumi...

I don’t like it here, I want to go back.
According to the old Knowers
If you’re absent from the one you love
Even for one second that ruins the whole thing!

There must be someone… just to find
One sign of the other world in this town
Would be enough.

You know the great Chinese Simurgh bird
Got caught in this net…
And what can I do? I’m only a wren.

My desire-body, don’t come
Strolling over this way.
Sit where you are, that’s a good place.

When you want dessert, you choose something rich.
In wine, you look for what is clear and firm.
What is the rest? The rest is mirages,
And blurry pictures, and milk mixed with water.
The rest is self hatred, and mocking other people, and bombing.

So just be quiet and sit down.
The reason is: you are drunk,
And this is the edge of the roof.

I'm off to bed, to read a good book :)

 

Longing to be MOTHER'S DAY

At my retreat yesterday one of the women said something to the effect of, 'prior to a few years ago, Mother's Day was just a day... a holiday where I'd do something nice for my mom... but now, it's something completely different."

Has Mother's Day shifted for you? Instead of a day to take your mom to brunch, buy flowers or go to a cook-out, has it morphed into an entire day that feels like a punch in the gut, a slap in the face, a reminder that you indeed are NOT a mother, despite putting every fiber of your body and soul into becoming one.

If it has, I am sorry.

Not everyone will even remotely understand your feelings. I'm sorry.
Your own partner might not get it. I'm sorry.
You may feel even more isolated and alone today than you do on other days. I'm sorry.
You may spend today fighting off tears. I'm sorry.
You may feel insulted, left out, and on edge today. I'm sorry.

I get it... and even though you might not be surrounded by them today, there are lots of other women who get it. You are NOT alone!

And I've got a call to action for you all. I'd like to encourage you to do something that might not have crossed your mind. Try (even if it's only in your own head) to do something that makes today a different type of Mother's Day - one that's for you. Make today a Longing to be Mothers Day. Because it is not for lack of trying that you aren't one. It is nothing you have done or not done. It's just how it is, for now, for this year, and it isn't fair that you have to feel rotten and like a failure because you are not a failure. You are a strong, brave, amazing woman who is in the trenches and who deserves a celebration of her own sort.

So take a long bath or a walk, buy yourself some flowers, order take out, watch a favorite movie or read a book. And if you think they would understand, tell your partner or others around you who love you that today you are still going to celebrate and let them pamper you and make you feel special too.

And for the grief and anger that will still be there, do something to honor that too. For grief and anger are SURELY big parts of Longing to be Mother's Day!  Burn a candle vigil for the child(ren) you thought would be here or want to invite here. Plant a flower in honor of your losses and pain and as you care for it let it be a reminder to take care of yourself. Punch a pillow, scream out loud, have a good cry. There's no right or wrong way to do this. It's YOUR day... so do what you want and what feels right to you.

You're in my thoughts.
Love,
Nicole

Your Own Personal Best

I saw this image on Facebook a while ago and it totally made me laugh... but then, like many of the things I end up blogging about, it wormed its way into my brain and ultimately into my treatment rooms. I found myself describing it and having really meaningful conversations with patients about it.  All of these conversations have been a a variation on the following.

We are each unique.  We each have our own strengths and our own weaknesses.  What comes easy for someone else might be hard for you.  What comes easy for you might seem impossible for someone else based on what balances and imbalances you have. That's the unique, nuanced truth of holism.

I think most people walk an extremely slippery slope when it comes to their expectations for themselves.  In my work, I see it in the comparisons women make between themselves and others regarding their health concerns, their lifestyle, their careers, their fertility, their families and more. Here's a fairly extreme example, but it totally illustrates the holistic danger of making these comparisons...

Take "Sara"* a woman who suffered some pretty major physical health issues as a very small child - life threatening, taxing, scary stuff at a very young age. Since then, she has never been as robust as her peers and now as an adult she has to work on self care waaaaay harder than any of her friends and still has way less wiggle room than her friend do when it comes to taking care of herself. Her best friend might be able to work 60 hours a week, survive on 5 hours of sleep per night and eat take out while watching 'The Bachelor" and drinking a glass (or two) of wine and feel relatively fine. Sara feels rotten if she does even one of those things and feels totally disappointed in herself for being frail, getting run down or sick more often and having lower energy than others. She is also very tempted to think all the attention and effort she has put into her self care isn't working or that she is a failure.

Sara has EVERY right to feel frustrated, sad, irritated, anxious, and more. Her situation is NOT fair. She DOES have to work way harder than most people, and she can't get away with some of the things others can without suffering consequences. She did nothing to cause her issues, she has done so many things to help herself. All this is true and it is frustrating.

But when Sara starts to compare herself to others, she is like our good friend the tinman and is comparing herself to all those limber yogis!

I would argue that while she is entitled to feel these hard feelings for valid reasons, the one thing she should try to let go of and understand is that it will never be helpful for her to base her self worth and success on comparing herself to others. Sara, like all the women I work with, is amazing and unique and has so many wonderful things about where she is now, her progress and journey and where she is headed. But she honestly, she can never go back in time and erase the part of her history that has resulted in her significant deficiencies, this is her body and her life and to embrace that reality and let go of wanting it to be otherwise is freeing, liberating and will give her room to feel proud of her progress, hopeful about what she's doing, good about her situation right here and right now. These are good things and healthy things that help to balance out the hard stuff.

Each of us has our own patterns of imbalance and our own constellation of life factors and influences that got us there. Be it your weight, your ability to relax, your emotional health, your fertility, or anything else... comparisons can be hurtful and unhealthy. Much better to have a realistic view of where you are right here and now and measure ourselves based on our reality, not others. Look to yourself to gauge if you are making progress and how you are doing (and what's worth doing). Let go of comparing yourself to others. Have realistic expectations and do your own personal best. And if there are areas where you are the tinman take a deep breath and let go. When you compare, it only makes you feel like a failure, and nothing could be further from the truth!

*Not her real name

Layaway vs. Credit Cards or Holistic Medicine vs. Western Treatments

Here's a repost of an oldie, but a fundamental goodie!

The other day I got to thinking about when I was younger and my mom put things on "layaway" at the local department store. We would go to the store and she'd go to the back desk and pay installments towards whatever item she wanted to purchase, and when it was paid in full she would get to take the item home. I was wondering if these layaways are around nowadays and thinking about how different it is to use credit like most people do today.

And then it struck me how perfectly this distinction can apply to fertility treatments.  If you recall or review my post on "Bank Accounts" you'll see how I view the body as a bank account.  In this analogy, the health of reproductive function is equivalent to the body's expendable income or vacation fund.  A person's body must first have enough to cover a) all the functions it has to do to stay alive (breathe, digest, think, move, etc.) and b) is immediately asked to perform (work, socialize, exercise, etc.). After those two things, whatever is left over it puts towards reproductive function.  Should a body be low on funds (for any number of reasons), it makes the wise (albeit often frustrating) decision to cut on this "non-essential" area.  Menstrual cycles can become less regular, hormones can be out of balance, sperm counts off, and so on.

And so, when a person's account is low and reproductive function isn't happening as ideally as it should, there are two ways to look at improving the situation: Layaway or Credit!

Layaway is the holistic way.  It says, you can't realistically expect to have a healthy reproductive function if you don't have the money (i.e. energy and nutrients in your body) to pay for it.  Holistic medicine says that if you truly want to have a healthy pregnancy, you need to take the time, save up, spend less on other things, and then, you'll be able to take what you want home... in this case, a healthy pregnancy & child!

Credit is the western way.  It says, you can have a baby now regardless of the state of your body (aka your bank account).  It says that it can give you credit (in the form of drugs, procedures and sometimes 3rd party help) that you may or may not be able to pay back later. You pay in the form of financial strains, relationship strains, immediate and possible side effects from the medications, stress, etc.

Now, just like in real life, I'm not going to say credit is never the way to go, but what I do believe is that taking some time, saving up, spending less, and getting your account in line is HUGELY important and if you do all that and STILL aren't getting pregnant, then is the right time to weigh whether or not taking out a line of credit is the right next step.  Very often, it does not come to that, and when it does you will need to take out much less and have fewer risks because of that fact.  It's simply being smart with your body in the same way you'd be smart with your money!