An Amazingly Touching Film

When I was preparing for the grass is greener retreat this month I stumbled across this short film. It was sort of amazing that I did, because I thought I'd gotten side-tracked into a tangent and was "wasting time," (I know, I know I should know better!), but when I actually watched the film it spoke to the subject so well, that I debated showing it at the retreat. Ultimately I opted not to...

Now I'm preparing for the June Women's Retreat where we'll be discussing 'The Stories We Tell Ourselves.' It is something of a variation on a theme (as these holistic things often are) and it seems even more applicable to the film. So, whether you are coming to the retreat or not, I hope you'll take a few moments of your day and watch it. You will be moved, your thoughts will be provoked, and hopefully you will learn something beautiful about yourself. And if you are moved, I hope you will think about coming to the retreat and digging a little deeper.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE MOVIE
(don't click the picture below, it's just a picture, not a link!)

A Compassionate "Coach"

I just happened across this article on "Coaching with Compassion" (gotta love the internet, because there is no way I would have seen it otherwise) and it clicked with another idea I've been rolling around in my head these last few months...

First I should be clear.  I am first and foremost an acupuncturist and traditional Chinese herbalist.  It is my training, it is my passion, it is the lens through which I see the world of holistic health.  There are many many other holistic forms of healing that are awesome, there are also some forms of allopathic (traditional western) medicine which are also potentially awesome (I know it saved my life!) but Chinese medicine is MY bag.

And I LOVE chinese medicine, the acupuncture, herbs, food therapy, qi gong, etc. etc. etc.... but to be honest, much of my practice is something more than what I learned in TCM (traditional chinese medical) school where I spent roughly 3,000 hours learning this craft.  And that's what I've been stewing over lately...

You see, I do a LOT of talking and encouraging and emotional processing with my patients. This is an honor, a privilege and incredibly humbling for me. And I know that it is KEY to health in TCM because in my hours and hours of training I learned all about how it takes energy to hold onto unhealthy emotions, it causes patterns of imbalance to sustain prolonged, extreme or constrained emotional states, it can literally undo much of the work I do with herbs and needles to leave the emotional side of a person's holistic health untouched.  But the funny thing is, aside from learning that these things were facts in school, we NEVER learned much in the way of working on it! And going into seven years of working in my private practice and going on nine years total working with patients... this happens to have become my particular area (aside from the technical ins and outs of fertility & obstetrics) of expertise.

Of course, there are acupuncture points to help ease emotional strain, to support a person who is grieving, or to help people unwind and there are herbs to calm anxiety, reduce irritability, and nourish the spirit, but what about addressing the actual source, talking about life (and sometimes death), talking about stressors and strains and things too heavy to carry alone. Did I learn that in school? Nope, ZIP on that. Zero. Nada.  And it is a HUGE aspect of what I do (and love doing)!

I guess it has unfolded in such an organic way in my style of practice that I haven't taken a step back to analyze exactly what I'd call it.   Holistic Healing - for sure.  Therapy - definitely NOT!  This is not my scope of practice OR my training. Coaching... well.... maybe....

So I read this article and it really resonated with me.  Turns out research (and here's another area I LOVE western medicine - I'm a total research geek) is showing some pretty interesting stuff when it comes to what kind of coaching works.

The article makes two points that I found especially interesting:  

1) When a person is "coached" by someone who is compassionate and encouraging (vs. someone who is critical and points out their failings) they do better AND (on fMRI imaging) 'researchers found parts of the brain associated with visioning—a critical process for motivating learning and behavioral change—quite literally “lit up.”'

and

2) When a person is "coaching" in a compassionate way, the person who is doing the coaching has less risk of burning out or feeling stressed and overwhelmed than if he or she were being demanding and critical.

I love when research shows something in a more concrete way that seems intuitive.  It is cool to me that there is a way to look at the brain's activity and actually see why being caring and supportive and cheering a person on for what they are doing and what they hope to achieve vs. what they should be doing and what they have not achieved is a good thing. It also happens to very much be the style of my approach with patients.  In my experience women (especially those struggling with infertility) are already doing more than enough judging and criticizing for the both of us. I love helping them see where they are doing things well, where they are on the right track, and where I see the good in them that they may be unable to see from their vantage point. 

I also feel like although my work is intense and demanding on an emotional level I could never imagine burning out or feeling stressed out or overwhelmed by my patient interactions. I typically attribute this to the fact that I love what I do and am passionate about my work, but here's one more thing in my favor!  

So, what's the take-a-way from this for you? I guess it depends on what role you find yourself in! If you are on the receiving end of some "coaching" and it is leaving you feel judged, lacking and criticized think again about who you want to work with and the results you've gotten so far and hope to get in the future. If you are "coaching" someone else (whether it's your significant other, someone else in your life or in a more formal situation like me) think about the ways you can help encourage and applaud the efforts, even if the results aren't there yet and know that not only will you make the other person feel cared for, but that you may very well have a better chance of helping them reach the goal!

These Moments are All We Have - On Being Bored

If you liked my post about busy being a brag, check out this article.  It's sure to add another layer to doing less...

Here's a snippet to see if I can catch your attention :)

Nowadays, boredom is considered a scourge. We blame boredom for the death of curiosity, learning, productivity, innovation, and commitment. Boredom is the antecedent to all kinds of distractions, disengagements, overindulgences, and infidelities. The worst crime is being boring, the joke goes, but we all know that the real crimes are likely to come after. In the name of boredom, we overfill our minds, our bodies, our senses, and our time. We flee what fails to amuse. Boredom breeds contempt, and contempt breeds calamity.

Pacing is Everything

My dear mother-in-law came up with what I consider a brilliant idea.  Although she calls herself a B- housekeeper she's from a generation that I'm convinced her B- is my A+.  I feel conflicted about house work... the whole finding balance between down time and relaxing vs. achieving and doing more more more!  One day when she was visiting I lamented that when it comes to housework I feel like I can never do enough and it gets to be so discouraging/frustrating, yet I just plain out refuse to drive myself crazy (aka stagnate my qi!) over being a perfectionist about my house.  Still, when I have major cleaning days I still end up feeling like I have 1,000 more things I could do and when I am swamped and assess the situation I feel so overwhelmed I sometimes end up in a complete tizzy, wandering around and getting less done than I could.

And here's what she came up with:  Why not come up with a regular schedule for the things you do each day.  Then everything rotates and you know what you need to do that one day and it's easy!

Well, anyone who knows me knows A) I like me some charts!  & B) I'm just a touch OCD :)  So, I decided to implement her suggestion "Nicole Style."

I broke out a ruler and multi colored sharpies, a nice piece of card-stock in a color I love and drew a little chart on it.  The chart was 6 rows tall and 8 columns wide. Along the left hand side in the first column I labeled: (starting with the second row down) 1st week of the month, 2nd week of the month, 3rd week of the month, 4th week of the month and 5th week of the month. On the top row (starting with the second column in) I labeled the days of the week: Monday, Tuesday, etc.

Then I thought about the jobs I do regularly, not the ones I do every day like the dishes, but all the others like clean the bathroom, wash the floors, dust, wipe down the microwave and stove, clean the fridge, water the houseplants, etc.  And I started plugging in the chores taking into account how often I wanted to do them (would they be once a week, every other week, once a month...) as well as my schedule and which days it would be easier for me to do bigger jobs and which ones were already pretty full.  Because the chart doesn't have actual dates on it, it works for every month, you just follow which day of the week and which week of the month.

Voila!  House keeping MAGIC!  I've now been doing this method for about 3 years and it is truly fabulous in my book...  On the days when I get done what I'm supposed to I feel good, on the days I don't I know I only have to make up one or two extra things the next day to get back on track, on the days when I go above and beyond instead of feeling rotten because there is STILL more I feel like a rock star.  And on the days when I look around my house and fixate on the dust bunnies under the sofa or the furry food in the back of the fridge... I just let it go and think... all in due time, just pace yourself Nicole.  I may be no Martha Stewart with the perfect B&B type house, but I'm pretty sure what I've got going on... It's a good thing :)

Useful Product Links

There are some products that I recommend as needed in my practice, but do not carry for a variety of reasons.  In this post I am posting links to these products for the sites that I have found and like best.  Of course, you are more than welcome to shop around on your own too!

Nicole

PreSeed Lubricant: The only lubricant that is clinically proven not to impede the movement of sperm and decrease fertility

Coconut Oil For use topically during pregnancy and beyond, as well as for infant massage (if you shop elsewhere be sure to look for unrefined, cold pressed and organic)

Sex Toys & More A great minneapolis based store that is progressive in it's use of non-toxic toys and all about empowering and healthy sexual messages.

More to come!
Nicole

Resources: Fun Books & Movies

Much of what I work on with my patients is helping them to find balance in their lives. Often times they believe that in order to achieve their goals (which in many cases is to get pregnant) they have to put everything normal and fun in their lives on hold. The following is a list of books and movies to help get back in the moment and enjoy life right now--not because you are taking a break from working on your goals, but because enjoying life is a part of achieving your goals! Please share your own in the comments section and enjoy finding some new favorites...

Books (disclaimer! I have to admit, I like my books a bit on the dark side--and I'm not going to list those here--this list is definitely lacking...please add more!!!):

Eat, Pray, Love: Author Elizabeth Gilbert decides to listen to her heart and spend one year abroad--four months in Italy eating and learning to speak italian, four months in and Indian ashram learning to be quiet and meditate and four months in Indonesia... http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/eatpraylove.htm

Anything Jane Austin

The Harry Potter Books: I know I know...you probably already either love them or have sworn to never read them. I happen to be in love with each and every one of them :)


Movies:

The 1995 5 hour version of Pride & Prejudice: Is it wrong that I know most of the lines of a five hour movie? This is my favorite ever movie, so romantic and true to the novel (unlike some newer versions). Mr. Darcy...need I say more???
http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Pride_and_Prejudice/60030390?strkid=1274432502_1_0

Amelie
This french movie is so full of imagination and wonder. Beautiful visually and thematically.
http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Amelie/60022048?strkid=52101915_0_0

Chocolat
Chocolate, romance, Johnny Depp in no particular order.
http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Chocolat/60003116?strkid=783822520_0_0

The Shop around the Corner:
The original movie that "you've got mail" was based on...
http://www.netflix.com/Movie/60024404?trkid=73

Little Women
The bonds of sisterhood, growing up, love, friendship...all the best of everything sappy!
http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Little_Women/707114?strkid=891303200_0_0

Okay...I'll stop here. Please add more and I will too...

A Poem on Taking Risks

Nine fabulous women met for our monthly book club meeting last night...only one slight change...we had no book to discuss! Instead we did a little bit of self discovery and reflection Oprah style. Photocopied pages from O magazine were passed out. They read:

Raymond Carver once wrote: "And did you get what/you wanted from this life, even so?" How would you answer that question at this point in your life? Have you exceeded the expectations you had as a young adult? Where would you like to make changes?

The rest of the page was covered in lines. And so, we wrote.

Some wrote slowly and thoughtfully, some frantically with purpose. Some just sat and stared at the empty page...alone in our thoughts. And then, came the conversation.

In honor of that conversation, I'd like to share this poem by Dawna Markova:

I Will Not Die An Unlived Life

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch
a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

How would you fill up your lines?