Resources for the loss of a baby or pregnancy.

If you need this post I am more sorry than I can ever express.  The women I work with who have suffered pregnancy loss, stillbirth, the loss of a child are women that humble me to my very core, stir up the deepest depths of emotion and amaze me with their grace, humanity, strength and about a thousand other things.  I am sorry, I know they would rather not be in a position to stir up anything in me.  I know they would trade these things in happily for a healthy and thriving child to hold in their arms.  I know they DO hold their children in their hearts.  

And then there is this: we are horrible, and I mean horrible with a capital H at dealing with grief as a culture.  For most the loss of their child(ren) is not only the most traumatic event they have ever experienced, but also a terribly isolating, lonely, misunderstood, unsupported thing.  None of it is fair.  None of it is what should be.  Still it is.

If you are reading this post because you know someone who has lost or is losing a child, there are lots of good websites that can help you know what to do and say if you are at a loss, but I'll sum it up here...

Say you are sorry.  Say it isn't fair.  Say it sucks.  Say it isn't fair again. Listen.  Cry. Listen some more.  Don't try to fix.  Let them cry. Say it isn't fair again.  Acknowledge their baby and child.  Use their child's name. Ask how they are doing.  Keep listening even if you don't know what to say.  Say you don't know what to say.  Don't be too afraid to bring up their loss. If it feels awkward and stressful to you, I can tell you that it is way worse for them. When you do not acknowledge or support their loss and grief i is heartbreaking, lonely, isolating, maddening, and they want to know you are still thinking of them and their child.  That you haven't gotten over it in a week or a month or a year and that you don't expect them to get over it either. If you bring up their loss you will not make them feel bad, they did not forget it happened.  If you bring up their loss you will only let them know you haven't forgotten and that it matters to you too.

If you are reading this post because you have lost or will lose a baby here are some resources you should know.  I'm sure there are others I don't know, and if you have any to add, please feel free to comment and I'll add them below.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep – An amazing site that can connect you with highly trained photographers who can capture the time you do have with your baby. Sometimes these images are one of or the only tangible things to remember your baby was here.  That you held him or her, what they looked like and that this is all real.  Families who have used this service have the highest praises. http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Still Standing Magazine - http://stillstandingmag.com/ An online magazine with lovely writing and ideas, resources, etc. for those who have lost babies.  Specific sections for fathers, self-care, parenting subsequent children, etc.  This is a really nice website and resources/support that doesn't take getting out of the house if you aren't up for it right away.

Faith's Lodge. Faith's Lodge provides a place where parents and families facing the serious illness or death of a child can retreat to reflect on the past, renew strength for the present, and build hope for the future. In its North Woods setting, Faith's Lodge provides a peaceful escape for families to refresh their minds and spirits while spending time with others who understand what they are experiencing. Families who have lost a child, age 20+ weeks gestation through 19 years, within the last three years may check-in to Faith's Lodge Tuesday through Saturday and may stay from one to five nights, once per year. info@faithslodge.org, 612-825-2073

Faces of Loss. http://facesofloss.com/. Here hundreds of women bravely and openly sharing their stories of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss on personal blogs,  

Missing Grace Pregnancy and Infant Loss. Support Groups and center – Maple Grove. For parents who have experienced pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or newborn death. Maple Grove Covenant Church, 9350 Upland Ln. N., Maple Grove, MN 55369. 763-497-0709. Online support groups at www.missinggrace.com.

Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Support Group/Counseling – Metro Area. For parents who have experience pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or newborn death. Support Group: 1st and 3rd Tuesdays, 5-6:30pm Fairview Southdale Hospital, Edina. Call Dave Englestad to register. 952-924-5708. Fairview Ridges Hospital, Burnsville (counseling only). Call Holly Weist. 952-892-2585.

Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Counseling (Spanish speaking) The Seton Clinic – Catholic Charities, 1276 University Ave. W., St. Paul, MN 55104 Contact: Jennifer Harvey. 651-603-0252.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group – St. Paul. For parents who have experienced pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or newborn death.2nd and 4th Mondays, 5-6:30pm; Free. United Hospital, Garden View Medical Bldg, Rm. 4057. Contact: Annette Klein, RN. 651-241-6206.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group – Maplewood. For parents who have experienced pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or newborn death. 1st and 3rd Tuesdays, 7-8:30pm; Free. St. John's Hospital (HealthEast),1575 Beam Ave., Breast Care Center Library, Maplewood, MN 55109.Joann O'Leary, PhD. 651-326-3733

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group – Coon Rapids. For parents who have experienced pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or newborn death. Call for dates and times. Unity Hospital. 763-236-3420

Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss Support Group – Edina. For expectant parents who have had a pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or infant death.2nd and 4th Mondays, 5-6:30pm. Call to register: Deb Rich, PhD, LP. 612-672-7656

Pregnancy Postpartum Support MN -  A comprehensive list of MN resources for Pregnancy and Postpartum Support, including Infant Loss. There is also a list of support groups in greater MN and other specific groups, like surviving the holidays after loss on their website here.

Remembering Our Babies – October 15th http://www.october15th.com/ The Official Site of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Suzanne Swanson, PhD, LP. Specializes in Pregnancy and birth issues, postpartum, loss/trauma, mothering. 1108 Grand Ave., Suite 2, St. Paul, MN 55105. Phone: 651-221-9709

Krista Post, MA, LP. Specializes in Infertility, pregnancy and infant loss, birth trauma, postpartum issues, parenting. Current president of pregnancy postpartum support MN 4500 Park Glen Rd., Suite 150, St. Louis Park, MN 55416. Phone: 612-296-3800

Deborah Rich, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist. Coordinator, Fairview Perinatal Loss and Perinatal Mood Disorder Services. drich1@fairview.org Phone: 612-672-7656

Bittersweet: Loss of a Multiple Birth or Gestation Group. Call for locations and information. Barbara Schaack, 952-854-1997

Whether it's these resources or others, a few close supports or a wide online community, my heartfelt wish is that anyone who is suffering the loss of their child has as many resources and as much love and support as they need.  If there is ever anything I can do or offer in addition to these ideas, please do not hesitate to ask. 

With much Love,

Nicole

Reproductive Immunology

I am often asked my opinion on the role immunity plays in infertility - specifically recurring pregnancy loss. From a Chinese medicine perspective everything is interconnected (well, I'd argue from EVERY perspective everything is interconnected), so although there is somewhat of a "hot debate"in reproductive medicine circles, it certainly seems within the realm of possibility to me.  Of course, this is not my lens of viewing things... to me, immune dysfunction can relate to a number of holistic imbalances including spleen and/or lung deficiencies (those of you with reports of findings will know if you've got em!), heat, and dampness. There are other complicating factors as well.  Add to this possible genetic dispositions to clotting disorders, or more subtle microcirculation issues and you can add qi stagnation and blood stasis to the list!

Many of you have heard of Dr. Beer's work in reproductive immunology and clotting disorders, and want more info specifically on where you can find more resources or local supporters of his work, so here's some info for you:

Here is an article about one of the two main practitioners I know of in the midwest (both in Chicago area) who do this work, I have seen patients who:

http://www.rosalindfranklin.edu/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=Hrydo2flcvw%3D&tabid=2651

and a bio of the other:

http://www.uchospitals.edu/physicians/mary-stephenson.html

A local OB/GYN practitioner who has supported the Dr. Beer protocols since 1995:

http://www.obgynmn.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/site.physicians/action/dtl/phys/99841392.cfm

And of course, if you haven't been and want info right from the source, there is a information packed Dr. Beer website where his work continues. Here you can read a LOT about this approach as well as order his book to go more in depth!

http://www.repro-med.net/repro-med-site2/

Certainly, infertility is an amazingly personal and intense struggle for the women and couples experiencing it, add to this the pain of recurring pregnancy loss or unexplained IVF failure and the heartache is all the more intense.  If you are reading this and are in such a situation, please know you are not alone and I am sorry for your loss.

My Best,
Nicole

Everyone Else Is Pregnant

From Issue 7 of Life's News Newsletter:

Aching Hearts  

When it seems like everyone else is pregnant but you

by Nicole Lange Lic.Ac. MAOM

How can a person express what it feels like to be filled with sadness at the arrival of a birth announcement, anxious upon opening a baby shower invite or even angry at the sight of yet another pregnant woman? The logical mind says, “I’m happy for them,” “what a gift a baby is,” “I wish them the best,” but mixed with those logical thoughts come the gut feelings too - all the heartache, sadness, frustration and fears: 

“Why not me?” 

“I would have been due this month.” “This isn’t fair!”

When you want to be a parent more than anything else, it is difficult not to compare your situation with others and think these thoughts. In fact, these emotions are just as logical as the others given the reality of fertility struggles. Once more, having one set of thoughts doesn’t negate or preclude the others or make you a better (or worse) person. 

Chinese medicine views emotional expression and realistic emotions as an important part of being balanced, healthy and fertile. By acknowledging and expressing your emotions you don’t use up as much energy trying to constantly control them AND your body doesn’t need to clench and be as rigid - both healthy shifts towards feeling more balanced! Emotional expression means outwardly expressing your emotions when reality warrants them. On the other hand, emotions that are excessive, prolonged or constrained (in relationship to the reality of the situation) are unhealthy. 

And the reality is... It makes sense that you would feel happy for the person AND sad, frustrated, or angry you aren’t in their shoes.

Outward Expression

Direct Communication: Sometimes it makes sense to express your emotions directly to the person to whom they relate. If you are struggling with whether or not to go visit a friend and their newborn or go to a baby shower, sometimes a handwritten note or personal call to explain your mixed emotions or need to steer clear for a while is helpful. Direct communication can help you express yourself and help the other person appreciate your point of view and know it isn’t personal.

When direct communication doesn’t feel right, it is still important to outwardly express you emotions in some other form. In fact, one study showed that the act of naming one’s emotions out loud changes the brain activity and decrease distress from a brain function perspective (for an interesting article on this study see: http://www.apa.org/monitor/oct06/talking.html   

  

Indirect Communication: expressing your emotions in a less direct context can keep you more holistically balanced and less distressed too. Try some of these options:

Out Loud: Talk therapy, talking to your significant other, a compassionate friend, even going for a walk and talking out loud to yourself all are healthy ways to outwardly express. 

Written Word: Journal, write a letter (even if you don’t intend to give it to the person, it’s to God, your unborn baby, etc.), write a poem, rant (write down something that upsets you on the top of a page and then write everything that it brings up).  Even if you shred it, recycle it or otherwise destroy it, the act of getting it out is the main idea!

Creative Acts: if speaking or writing is a little too literal, try expressing your emotions in some other creative way. Scrapbook, make a collage, paint, play music or dance. The possibilities are endless.  

Explore the reality and other emotions: It’s the old “glass half empty, glass half full” adage. In addition to exploring your immediate feelings on the situation it is also helpful to explore the reality of the situation. While your gut might say, “everyone around me is pregnant and this isn’t fair!” Another way of looking at it might be, “Wow, I’m surrounded by fertility and I’m going to open myself up to it.” Again, you don’t have to be 100% pollyanna (nor should you strive to be), but at least explore the other options and take a moment to see if you can find another perspective in the situation.

Improved Implantation with Chinese Herbs

While implantation is considered "the unknown frontier" of ART treatments and Eastern and Western practitioners alike are limited in their knowledge of the specifics that need to occur to encourage healthy implantation and prevent early loss, this study shows a specific Chinese formula may be helpful in promoting at least some of the factors that improve success.  The outcomes are promising.