Radical Acceptance - A Poem

Many weeks there are themes in the visits at my clinic.

This week, that idea was radical acceptance. The technical definition is something like this:

Radical Acceptance is a term used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy that was developed by Marcia Linehan. The term refers to the ability to completely accept a situation exactly as it is in the moment without trying to change it.


In my way of thinking, radical acceptance is about not necessarily having to like or embrace something, but rather deciding that it is what it is and not taking all the extra energy it takes to wish, curse, scheme, or imagine it otherwise. Radical acceptance is accepting life on life's terms. This ultimately boils down to accepting that for everything that really matters, we have little control (and pretending or going through life with the belief that we do creates suffering as well as takes up a lot of your bodies resources and leads to lots of stagnation).

So, imagine my surprise when I was emptying an old basket of papers that were about 3 years old and I found this little note that I wrote when I was worrying about repeating the complications I had during the birth of my daughter at the upcoming birth of my son.

Here's what I wrote to myself...

Let Go
THIS is all there is
here is all there is
now is all there is

Let Go
fighting this
will not make it less true
giving in is freedom

There is a difference in being
aware
mindful
intentional
focussed
and control

There is a difference
in what is right
sane
balanced
and healthy
and what you desire.

Here is everything
everything is here.
You do not know what will come
you cannot know the outcome.

You can only be here
you can only make these choices.

Gratitude
Breath
Here
Perfection


Hope it helps you :)
Nicole

Giddy Up! Neuroplasticity, Qi and teaching an old horse new tricks!

I once heard a fascinating talk by a neurobiologist about neural wiring (I wish I could remember her name or find the talk again, but alas, it was over a decade ago and I have googled it every way I can possible think to with no luck!) It was very much based on the idea that "nerves that fire together wire together." In this talk there was a very simple analogy that I absolutely LOVE and still regularly use (professionally and personally) pretty much every day... I'll share it with you in a moment!

But first, a little scientific detour! If you use certain neural pathways in your brain more often, they get reinforced to work better and fire faster. You can look at the brain and actually see this!  For example, people who are more resilient and less prone to staying anxious, depressed, or angry tend to have stronger connections and more/stronger neural activity between their left prefrontal cortex (higher functioning conscious brain) and their amygdala (an area of the brain highly associated with experiencing emotions). The theory is that because this connection is reinforced, the conscious higher brain can actually send messages to the emotional brain to help it calm down - COOL!  (To read a whole fabulous article about this from Mindful Magazine click here.)

Me being the geek/traditional chinese medicine practitioner that I am, have used these ideas for years to talk not only about brain science, but qi (chee). The qi is the energy in your body but, honestly, it doesn't really matter what paradigm you are looking at things through (east or west), the bottom line for BOTH is that the body gets used to certain patterns, sometimes healthy and sometimes not and the longer or more those patterns are reinforced, the harder you have to work to unlearn them and learn new (hopefully healthier) ones instead! 

Now back to the fabulous analogy, it went something like this... 

In the old timey days when things were delivered via horse and cart the horses would memorize their route. After a while, the driver would hardly have to prompt the horses at all. They would stop at the learned stops, wait an appropriate amount of time, continue on their way, make all the correct turns, and do the entire route practically on their own.

This is all well and good, but when the route was somehow changed, the horses would get VERY worked up. Ask a horse who is used to turning right every day at a certain crossroads to turn left instead... well, hold on to your hat!  The driver would have to grab the reigns, hold tight, give strong commands and really consciously direct the horse in the other direction. It doesn't end there, as the horse goes down the new route it behaves in an agitated way. It is a scary thing to go down uncharted territory. (What the horse may not understand is that the new route, actually is easier... say, going left means going downhill on a smooth road, versus that old route, where going right meant going uphill on bumpy terrain.) 

Do you see where this is going?

The horse, is your brain to that neurobiologist. The horse is your qi to me (okay, actually your brain and your qi to me). And this is how it is with our patterns of behavior, emotions, and responses to life. Our 'horses' get used to going a certain route, over and over, year after year. Perhaps they were learned decades ago. Patterns of things like, being a stoic scandinavian, blowing up and having a short fuse, feeling like a victim, worrying about everything, assuming if you don't do it no one will, feeling sad and overwhelmed.  These are just patterns you have learned and enforced each time you experience them. These are just the patterns your qi/brain knows the best and takes off down without you having to do a thing.

So, how do you make a change?

Well, like anything awareness is key!  You have to identify that this is happening and which routes your particular 'horse' keeps heading down. Then, just like those old timey horse and cart drivers, you must grab the reigns and lead your resistant, grudging horse down the path that is the one you really want to go down.

And it doesn't feel nice at first. In fact, when you first start to do this, it sucks. It feels all wrong, totally foreign, and you'll absolutely swear that the old route is, in fact, easier. That's your horse talking!  

Don't listen! Hold the reigns even tighter and give yourself a big "Whoa!"  It won't feel good for a while. But if you can stick with it you'll learn the new route. 

Quick example. I worked with a fabulous woman, her horses had the route of, "If I don't do it, no one will," "No one will do it like I will," "I don't have time for me," and "Go, go, go!" down pat. I explained to her that one of the biggest things she could do to get in balance would be to stop behaving this way. If she could manage this, she would stop spending all her body's resources on these behaviors and have more left to go towards her real goal - becoming a mom. 

She intuitively knew this was true, and because she wanted to achieve her dream of being a mom she decided to grab the reigns and really really try to go a different direction. 

She stopped working crazy hours. She went to yoga or to the gym instead of doing more work. She put a little sign on her door at work that said do not disturb and took little naps and quiet times, she sat around in the evening and watched TV instead of researching, working, doing more. 

And she hated just about every moment of it! It felt stressful, it felt foreign, it felt unproductive.

She came to my office and told me her horses, "really do not like you Nicole!"  Joking slightly, but also being honest.

She told me her horses weren't fond of me every single visit for a good month or two. She had seen another acupuncturist prior to me that hadn't done much in the way of stress reduction, emotional work, etc., but spent the few minutes they did chat each week focusing on exactly what her cycle was doing, what her cervical mucus or menstrual blood was like, etc.  She told me she was wondering if I was missing something by not focusing on these things (although I had gotten a 2.5 hour intake and wrote a 6 page report about her when we began working together so I had gotten a good snapshot of what I needed to do in these areas). I told her that was not my way of working (I spend a good 1/2 hour talking about life, emotions, diy options, things that have changed and the whole person at each of my visits) and that I would absolutely respect her choice if she decided I wasn't the right fit for her.  

Then, her horse got the new route!

She came into the office BEAMING!  I mean literally beaming!!!  She exclaimed, "MY HORSE GOT IT!"  And she never looked back. All the sudden, she hit a point where the new route became familiar. It had been reinforced enough times she didn't need to force it. She didn't want to work from dawn until dusk, she didn't want the weight of the world on her shoulders, she could say no, she could do less, and she felt amazing!  I was so proud!!  

And in the grand tradition of student becoming teacher, this particular patient has become SO good at this new route, she has occasionally had to set me straight when I do a bit more than I should. And I do my best to listen because I consider her a pro :)

And as she approaches the birth of her baby, she has more than once expressed what a completely different type of mom she will be, all because she grabbed the reigns for those two uncomfortable months. What a healthy, lovely example she will be setting for someone in the next generation, and how much more will she be able to enjoy being a mom and alive. 

I hope you will give this a try. It won't be easy, but it really is one of the most powerful and healing things you can do for yourself.

One last tip. I encourage you to share what you are doing and this analogy with at least one other person who knows you well. Then encourage that person to remind you... "where are your horses?" or "redirect those horses!"  My husband and I do it for one another (and as my personal route is having a short temper) it is always a mix of wanting to strangle him and wanting to kiss him for keeping me on the right path. It's a good thing to have support!  

Mindfulness Retreats in July

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

Have you ever thought: There is no WAY I could ever meditate, my mind is too busy, crazy, active and wild. I only feel like I’m failing when I try to meditate. I feel frustrated just thinking about it!...  Many people imagine meditation as sitting completely still with one’s mind clear from thoughts. but the July fertility AND women's retreats will prove that this is simply not true! 

The July 11th Women's and July 20th Fertility retreats will offer a good ‘ole Minnesotan smorgasbord of mindfulness options, from moving, walking, eating, cooking and cleaning, to breath awareness and quieting the mind.  In addition to receiving acupuncture, you will spend time trying several of the many many options out there and will discover which work best for YOU and how to incorporate them into your daily life to reduce stress, promote balance and feel more focused, healthy and calm.

Oh, and did I mention we'll be eating several different types of delicious CHOCOLATE!?!  

come mindfully compare different types and see how different they really are. It's like a wine tasting, but for chocolate!!!  Who can say no to that?!

I hope you will join me, share your experience, feel support and community, and take some time to nourish your body, mind and spirit!  It is a great way to start your weekend.

Click Here to go to the Life Healing Life Store and register for your spot

Wear comfortable clothes and bring a blanket and/or yoga mat and pillow as well as a journal if you wish (not required).  ALL stages of the journey are welcome.  TTC naturally, with ART, 3rd party, adopting, unsure what your next step is... acupuncture pro or newbie... you will be supported and at home here!

Both retreats will be held on the campus of St. Catherine University. Room and parking info will be sent 2 days prior to each retreat to all registered participants. Wear comfy cloths that are comfortable for both relaxing on the floor and getting acupuncture as well as walking a bit outside (weather permitting!)

Powerless... no, really!

Hi All,

I was on vacation last week (a little staycation with my family and husband - hurrah!) and we decided to make the end interesting by kicking it prairie frontier style without power for 4 days!  Okay, maybe mother nature decided that for us, but it sounds so much cooler the other way... wait, no nothing about 4 days without fans or AC is really cool.

So, day 3 of hauling ice, obsessively worrying about what was going to waste in our freezers and fridge, what should go in what cooler, where to get ice, if we had enough batteries, when and where to charge my phone, which windows to open, which blinds to close, how to optimize air circulation... you get the idea. I hit my melting point (oh, there are no shortage of puns with this one!)

I was wrestling a cooler filled with 40 pounds of ice and food up from the basement so I could wheel it over to a lucky neighbor with newly established power and use their fridge, when it struck... the pity party!

More specifically, the stories I tell myself...

My two personal favorites are...
If I don't do it, it won't be done (or done right)
and
I am an island, no one will help, all the pressure is all on me. I'm all alone.

BooHoooHOOO!

and also decidedly NOT TRUE... but in that moment, I didn't care!

So, I rustled up enough self awareness (behind welled up ready to bawl eyes) to tell my husband, "I'm having a pity party, I feel like all this is falling on my shoulders and I have no support. I'm about ready to cry and I feel terrible right now."

He says, "It's not my fault you obsess over things." (note to any partners reading this... this is what NOT to say... but I do understand why he said it)

I say, "Calling me obsessed is not helping. I'm telling you I'm suffering and I need help. Please help me."

He pauses, and gets on his shoes and hauls the cooler with me!

WOW WOW WOW!!

Don't mind me, while I toot my own horn, but holy cow did that work!!!

So let's analyze... because I'd really like to do this again and I bet you could put it to good use too :)

Step 1: Awareness... I'm suffering.
Step 2: More awareness... I'm suffering because I'm... XYZ.... for this case - believing these stories
Step 3: Action... change your behavior (instead of sticking with XYZ)

Voila! I'm having a moment of unadulterated pride.

I've also implemented a new mantra into my life...

It is enough.
I am enough.

Very helpful in counteracting the I have to do everything, I have to do it or it won't be done right mentality... which usually leads directly into the I'm all alone, it's all on my shoulders pressure.

Love it!
Nicole

PS. I will forever have about 1000 things related to having power to add to my gratitude practice. Let me never forget just how magnificent electricity is.

PPS. Aside from his knee jerk defensive reaction (understandable) my husband could not have reacted in a more ideal way... another little piece of gratitude for sure!

Sleepy Poetry

I tend to have a busy mind (could you guess?) I go to sleep mindfully breathing or engaging just one sense, only for my brain to turn back on and fill many nights with random snippets of my day to day 'stuff,' deep dark worries, and lots of other random bits that somehow worm their way in during my day and worm their way back out during my night. So, last night my sleep was full of plans for retreats and thoughts of classes and lots of other randomness and I kept coming back to one of my most favorite breath awareness practices. And by the time I woke up this morning teetering between sleep and wakefulness I had turned it into a poem.

Let the Whole Sky be Yours

Let the whole sky be your Zen
that patch of blue an inhalation
and there you exhale
let the whole sky be your peace.

A cloud a thought
over there another
it is a cloudy day
let the whole sky be your calm

Let the whole sky be your quiet
back to blue
back to breath
in... out... in
let the whole sky be your still

Nicole

The Heavy Load of the Daily Grind

An author I really love wrote about an experience she'd had and I love this story! Although she is a wonderful writer and teacher I know many of my patients do not feel ready to read her work because she writes a lot about motherhood so I thought I'd share this snippet with you all.

This author, Karen, was at a Buddhist retreat and while she was there she was asked to perform a certain task - the daily ceremonial ringing of the bell. She took the responsibility seriously and was focussed on doing it well and doing it right. (Or to be more precise... she obsessed over not messing it up, how to do it perfectly, how others thought she was doing, areas for improvement, she literally lay in bed at night judging her day's performance and coming up with a game plan for tomorrow... you know the drill!)

One day one of her teachers approached her and asked if she felt ready to begin the next phase of her practice, a transition that would bring more tasks and more to do.

She told him in earnest that she didn't think she could, because she already was doing the bells.

He nodded his head with understanding and then said to her, 'You seem to have a little problem with your work ethic.'

She was baffled, as '[she] judged [herself] to be the hardest worker there ever was.'

'You make everything work," He said.

I love this story.

There is a Zen saying that goes:

If you find one thing wearisome, 

you will find everything wearisome.

Do you make more work for yourself than you need to? Do you fail to see the joy, the meditative simplicity, the peace in the mundane things you do day in and day out?  

Try to change your work ethic for the better. Instead of working harder, getting more done, stressing about how you are doing and what others think of the workload you carry, try to swap it out for finding  contentment in what you do, letting go of judgement, and you may be surprised, something as routine as folding the laundry can become a little piece of zen. It's all in your perception.

I'll leave you with Karen's closing thoughts on her essay:

...consider all of this as a way to conjure up more empathy on an ordinary day. Yes, we all have a load on our hands, but the heavy is in our heads. Set the heavy down and sweep aside the useless mental clutter... When you can do anything as though you work at nothing, you have the best days of your life.

BOOOOOOORING a great essay on the not so moving parts of being zen

Just came across this article by a favorite author of mine Karen Maezen Miller.

Booooring...

Like, say, staring into space. Or counting your breaths. Or living life just as it is. KAREN MAEZEN MILLER on the virtues of boredom.

The message comes with good intentions, as do most things designed to inspire, so I click on the link in my email and watch the short video.

First I see a sleeping newborn swaddled in a blanket, followed by a silken black butterfly perched on a finger, a dewdrop dangling from a leaf tip, and a nest cradling two luminous robin’s eggs. Images dissolve to a piano serenade—a foggy meadow at daybreak, the fiery blaze of an ocean sunset, a peach pie cooling on a plank table, and a vase of peonies gracing a windowsill. A boy bites a glistening red popsicle at that perfect instant before it slides off the stick. A golden-haired girl blows the dancing flames from her birthday candles. “Moments,” the voiceover says. “Moments like this are all we have.”

They are happy, captivating shots, drenched in color and sentiment. The eye wants to drink them in and dwell. Compared to this, my life seems mostly washed-out and even wasted.

I stop the show. Something’s wrong with this picture. Pies and popsicles are appealing, but these pictures don’t quite capture the essence of life. Not the whole of it. 

Later on, in the bathroom picking up dingy wet towels, I notice the mildew creeping up the bottom of the shower curtain. This is not the life of precious tributes. It’s not one of the moments you want to frame and keep. It’s one you want to throw out. And many of us do. We replace people, places, and things that have grown charmless and tiresome— which they always do. Fascination fades and restlessness stirs.

Chasing the picture perfect, we can lose what we have in abundance—the times that teach us even more than the rare delight of butterflies or a robin’s blue eggs. We lose the hours, the days, and the decades when nothing much seems to happen at all. Time freezes. Paint dries. Mildew spreads. We’re bored out of our minds.

Boredom is the unappreciated path to patience, peace, and intimacy, so who would read a paean to it? Let that be your koan.


Face the Wall

Bodhidharma faced the wall.

The Second Ancestor, having cut off his arm, stood there in the snow and said, “My mind is not at peace yet. I beg you, Master, please put it to rest.”

Bodhidharma said, “Bring me your mind, and I will put it to rest.”

The Second Ancestor said, “I have searched for my mind, but I cannot take hold of it.”

Bodhidharma said, “There, I have put your mind to rest.”

I happen to love this koan. Every time I look at it I notice something beautiful. You might not see it, because there’s not much going on here. Plus it doesn’t paint an especially pretty picture. One guy faces the wall. Another one stands frozen in a colorless landscape, going stir-crazy. It’s the crazy part I relate to.


Bring Me Your Boredom

“I’m bored.”

Schoolchildren can be afflicted with it by the second day of summer; workers by the sixth month on the job; spouses by the seventh year of marriage; and readers by the tenth paragraph. Or before.

Are you bored yet? Nowadays, boredom is considered a scourge. We blame boredom for the death of curiosity, learning, productivity, innovation, and commitment. Boredom is the antecedent to all kinds of distractions, disengagements, overindulgences, and infidelities. The worst crime is being boring, the joke goes, but we all know that the real crimes are likely to come after. In the name of boredom, we overfill our minds, our bodies, our senses, and our time. We flee what fails to amuse. Boredom breeds contempt, and contempt breeds calamity.

If boredom is such a menace, let’s bring it out into the open. Can you show it to me? Like the other thoughts and feelings we use to torment ourselves, boredom is something we can’t locate except in our own deadly pronouncement: “I’m bored.” By the time we say it, we believe it, and believing is all it takes. This is where the story can get interesting.

When we’re bored, we go looking for something new. And let’s face it: we’re nearly always looking for something new. It doesn’t matter how much or how little we’ve got—how well we each manage our store of talents or prospects—we are somehow convinced that we haven’t yet got “it,” not enough to be completely satisfied or secure. We might think we need something as harmless as a cookie, a game, or a gadget—or another career, lover, or child. We might call what we want higher purpose, wisdom, passion, or simply a change of scenery.

Until we are at peace with ourselves, the quest continues. Until we know that there is nowhere else to go, and nothing more to get, we are trapped in delusion. We cannot resolve delusion with more delusion, but we try, and in the search we drive ourselves further away from reality and into raving madness. Fighting boredom is a full-time occupation.

What does it take to liberate ourselves from the chase? What if we could release the grasping mind that is always clawing after some precious new thing, even if it’s only a new fantasy? That would be excruciating, or so we fear. It’s the fear of letting go that afflicts us, but letting go is pain free.


Search the Mind

One time I was interviewed by a radio host about meditation, and she seemed alarmed, even offended, by the idea. Staying put runs contrary to the religion of self-gratification.

“It seems to me you’re telling people to settle,” she said. I was flummoxed, and I searched my mind for a response. If I’d had the equanimity of my Zen forebears, I would have said what I really meant.

I would have said, “Yes.”

What’s wrong with settling? What’s wrong with being patient and making peace? What’s wrong with quieting the crazy-making, egocentric mind? And for that matter, what’s wrong with boredom? It’s not the feeling of boredom that hurts us; it’s what we do when we try to run away from it.

If we find one thing boring, we’ll find everything boring, so we’d better learn to look at boredom differently. We’d better see things as they really are. This is why we begin our practice, and this is why we keep practicing even when we are no longer entertained. If we are really committed, we can indeed bore ourselves out of our ruminating mind and into a world at rest.

In the Soto Zen tradition, we meditate with our eyes slightly open, facing a blank wall. Like Bodhidharma, who was said to have faced the wall for nine years before his first student appeared in the snowdrifts, we are called wall gazers. People often ask about the meaning of the wall, since it seems so extreme, or at the very least, extremely boring.

It’s true; sometimes the wall we face is a bare white wall, where we are looking at nothing. This wall is called a wall. At other times, we turn around and face another kind of wall, where we are looking at everything. This wall is called the world. There always seems to be a wall of some kind or another in front of us; the question is whether or not we can face it.

Whatever the scenery, our practice is the same. Our practice is to face everything life is, and everything it isn’t. Everything we think and feel, and everything we don’t. Wall gazing is a very thorough practice in facing the fleetingness of things, and not getting trapped in momentary apparitions. All apparitions, it turns out, are momentary. When your eyes are open and you are intimately engaged with what appears in front of you, it’s hard to stay bored because nothing stays one way for long. Even walls disappear.

When my husband comes home, he asks me what happened during the day.

There were no piano serenades at my house. No misty meadows or fiery sunsets. No newborns. No birthdays. I did not make a pie. It was a day like any other that can bore you out of your mind.

“Nothing,” I say.

But that doesn’t mean I’m bored. I have been facing the wall where the snow falls, paint dries, towels fade, and mildew spreads—the same wall where the light blooms in a continuous spectacle of color, sensation, and imagery that is the undivided whole of life. I have been practicing the equanimity of my Zen forebears, but even now I have not said what I really mean when I say, “Nothing.”

I mean, “Everything.” 

What could ever be wrong with this picture?


Karen Maezen Miller is a teacher at the Hazy Moon Zen Center in Los Angeles. Her most recent book is Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life. 

From the September 2012 Shambhala Sun magazine. Click here to browse the entire issue online.

Candles in Chaos

Each Tuesday evening I go into work after navigating a quick changing of the guards with my husband at home.  Starting around 4 I begin working towards a goal.  To be out the door at 5:30 in time to get to the office with time to spare in spite of it being the witching hour at our house.  Two kiddos cling to my knees, see me start the preparations and begin to wail that they 'want to come with me,' or that I should 'stay at home and never ever work again!'  This is not made easier by the fact that at least one of them is groggy from waking from an afternoon nap and they are both hungry.

I say all this with a bit of hesitation, because I know pretty much all the women who read my blog are probably thinking right now how lovely this all sounds... how much they long for children to whine and cling and fuss.  And I can honestly say I know how blessed I am that my Tuesday evenings are such a stress.  I am a lucky girl.

But I also want to share how stressful it is because it's a really great example of a little thing I commonly do that is a big help.

I light a candle.

(not sure why I find this picture appealing or an appropriate representation for this post?  I don't actually light a huge candle... just a cheap little IKEA tea light in a little glass jar and I don't walk around holding it... hard to get dressed and cook dinner even without kids hanging from each ankle)

When I light a candle amidst the chaos and the tears I can be rushing around and frustrated and frazzled, but at least I feel like the place I'm feeling these things is a little bit pretty.  And that makes me happy.  And that makes me breathe.  And that makes me remember that I am lucky and things are good and there's nothing really worth getting worked up about.  And if I forget that somewhere between sautéing something and looking for a clean pair of socks, I'll likely see that candle again and the whole thing starts over again.

This is just one of the many reasons I burn candles, but one I hope you'll try.  When you are cramming for an exam or presentation, cleaning the house frantically for guests, staying up late to get something urgent done.  Light a candle.  Make it a tea light in a safe and secure place so if you forget about it in your frazzled state it will be okay (try your best NOT to do this) and see if it helps remind you to be mindful and breathe.  I hope it works for you like it does for me!

These Moments are All We Have - On Being Bored

If you liked my post about busy being a brag, check out this article.  It's sure to add another layer to doing less...

Here's a snippet to see if I can catch your attention :)

Nowadays, boredom is considered a scourge. We blame boredom for the death of curiosity, learning, productivity, innovation, and commitment. Boredom is the antecedent to all kinds of distractions, disengagements, overindulgences, and infidelities. The worst crime is being boring, the joke goes, but we all know that the real crimes are likely to come after. In the name of boredom, we overfill our minds, our bodies, our senses, and our time. We flee what fails to amuse. Boredom breeds contempt, and contempt breeds calamity.

Today I'm crabby... to put it mildly....

But instead of stomping around, giving short answers and holding back from wanting to throw something at someone (and I REALLY want to) I'm trying a different approach.

Compassion.

I feel like I'm pretty good at being compassionate.... to others. And like many people I give very little thought to being compassionate to myself.

But I know that to truly be more at peace it all has to start from within.  Still, to be honest, I often go right to the traditional Chinese medicine place in my mind when I'm a total b*tch.  I stop and I think, "Holy moly, am I ever stuck today!"  or "Did I get extra heat in my system somehow because I am in a major funk?"  (For those who aren't as versed in the TCM perspective on things, these are the two patterns of imbalance -being stuck and having excess heat -  are the two patterns most directly associated with anger and irritability- I have a tendency towards both, but we've all got our things right!?)  And every time I do this it does bring some relief, because every time I can say, "Yes, I am stuck because XYZ or Yes, I am hotter than usual because XYZ." (In today's case I can say yes to both and see the reason they are happening, but still...) And I know what to do from a TCM perspective to start correcting the problem, so that's good too, but...

I think doing this misses something.

I am suffering.

I deserve compassion.

From myself.

I think of this lovely analogy from Thich Nhat Hanh:

Imagine a pine tree standing in the yard. If that pine tree were to ask us what it should do, what the maximum is a pine tree can do to help the world, our answer would be very clear: “You should be a beautiful, healthy pine tree. You help the world by being your best.” That is true for humans also. The basic thing we can do to help the world is to be healthy, solid, loving, and gentle to ourselves. Then when people look at us, they will gain confidence. They will say, “If she can do that, I can do that too!”

So anything you do for yourself, you do for the world. Don’t think that you and the world are two separate things. When you breathe in mindfully and gently, when you feel the wonder of being alive, remember that you’re also doing this for the world. Practicing with that kind of insight, you will succeed in helping the world. You don’t even have to wait until tomorrow. You can do it right now, today.

So today, when my pine tree feels like it's ready to snap and start a fire.  I'm going to be extra kind to myself, because I won't just be doing it for myself, I'll be doing it for my family, and I'll be doing it for those of you who read this, and even though the ripples might be so tiny I'll feel a bit dramatic saying I'm doing it for the world, I am.

Inhale, Exhale, Enjoy

Breathing is one of the things I feel like you really can't go wrong with.  In fact, I've had multiple women tell me, "I was freaking out, and then I heard your voice in my head saying, when in doubt... breathe!"  (For the record- I always picture myself as a little angel/devil sitting on their shoulders when I hear these stories.)

In Chinese medicine breathing is a really balanced option.  Breathing brings more oxygen into your body (builds you up to give you a boost), removes waste from your body (detoxes you of things you don't need) and creates movement ("the qi follows the breath" so it gets things circulating literally and figuratively).  So regardless of your pattern of imbalance... If you are lacking oomph, have too much of a bad thing, or are clenched and stuck...  (or a mix of more than one for that matter).  Breathing is a good option for ALL!

I'm a fan of keeping things simple.  I usually start with women on simple breath awareness.  Just noticing the breath whenever they think of it throughout the days, bringing some attention to deepening it a bit, noticing the pauses between the inhalations and exhalations and should they only do it for two breaths at a time a few times each day they still benefit from the cumulative effects as their body gets used to breathing a little more deeply and they take mini-breaks from stress to check in with their breath!

Of course there are lots of specific breathing exercises for those who take to breath work and crave more or want to explore things more in depth.  I found this nice article in the yoga journal that outlines some of the basics of pranayama (breath control exercises) including how to do basic pranayamas, what breathing exercises do to our blood PH, heart rate, and more.  It also has specific techniques for using the breath to improve fatigue, anxiety and depression.

And on this chart you'll find pranayama counts (for inhale, pause, exhale, pause) to feel more energized, balanced or relaxed.  Give each of them a try and see if they feel different to you.  Kind of a cool little experiment.  And of course, let common sense and your body be your guide.  Do not force your breath if it isn't comfortable and do not continue if you feel lightheaded or other uncomfortable sensations.  You know my drill by now... more is not better :)

Aaaaaaaah!

Meditations For Fertility (and other stuff too!)

Guided meditations can be a lovely way to take some time to relax, be mindful and focus on areas you want to put some time, attention and intention!  (On the other hand they can be frustrating, hard to stick with and sleep inducing... hey, at least the last one could be a good thing!)

But don't take my word for it!  See which camp you fall into... will you love them or hate them?  There's only one way to find out.  Here are my most frequently recommended meditations (including some lovely FREE mp3s that are very good!)  Let me know what you think :)

Meditation Oasis FREE MP3s & Podcast you can listen to them individually and choose from meditations including "Letting Go" "Breath Awareness" "Emotional Ease" "Flowing with Change" and many more.  These are fabulous meditations and you can't beat the price!

Circle + Bloom Free Fertility Medication Another freebie and fertility specific to boot.  This whole site is full of great fertility specific holistic information.  They also offer this meditation series that has one meditation for each day of a woman's cycle, meditations for PCOS, FETs, IVFs, Relaxation for Men, Pregnancy, Labor & Delivery and more (all can be found using the link above and do need to be purchased).

These Health Journeys guided meditations are done by one of the most well known guided meditation guides, Bellaruth Naparstak, Downloadable (for a fee) meditations include ones for panic, anxiety, surgery, sleep, chemotherapy, pain, depression, and smoking cessation.  Other cds on lots and lots of specific topics can also be purchased here or on Amazon.com too

Anji Meditations are done by a local woman named Jennifer Bloom who is a committed and active member of the local fertility scene in the Twin Cities.  I use many of Jennifer's meditations in my clinic including one she collaborated on with well known author Randine Lewis (author of The Infertility Cure) You can sign up for a newsletter and download some basics and fertility meditations for free or purchase more in depth and specific meditations.

Jon Kabat-Zinn Meditations these are for folks who don't mess around, multiple cd series of lengthier meditations by one of the best know teachers of mindfulness for pain and mindfulness in general.  There are both sitting, lying and moving meditations in these collections

Happy listening.... or snoozing... whatever!
Nicole

Both Together At the Same Time, WIthout Blending the Two

Some weeks back I attended a talk by an author and teacher who works with mindfulness for children (and their caregivers!). During this talk she said a little quote a number of times and it was this, "Both together, at the same time, without blending the two."

To be honest, I can't even remember one example of the context where she used it, but it somehow managed to sink its hooks in my brain and now as the weeks have passed I still find myself coming back to this idea over and over again...

I used to be a very black and white thinker.  Things were right or wrong, good or bad, you get the idea.  In fact, I had a therapist once tell me, "Nicole, you have such a gleaming and polished version of right and wrong-it's practically sterling silver!" I'd be lying if I didn't admit that, at the time, I thought it was a compliment :)

And then I came into Eastern philosophy via traditional Chinese medicine... no, let me be more frank, I fell completely on my face, floundered for years and resurfaced within arm's reach of something that resembled the world as I knew it just enough that I grabbed on... Chinese medicine.  And the more I learned and the more I lived with it, the more my world shifted and the more comfortable I got with gray.  Until now, much of my life's work is all about embracing and helping others embrace the gray...

In holism, very few things are black and white.  For example, for one person it is holistically healthiest to choose option A, while for the next option A is the exact opposite of what will make them feel balanced and healthier.  A real life example might be choosing to do assisted reproductive treatments.  In person A, that is the most "sane making" option, in person B that is the most "crazy making" option.  Still more nebulous, is the idea that just because something is the "right answer" for someone right now, doesn't mean that all won't flip and the opposite might be true in another 6 months.  Even in where we put our attention, what we value, where our choices come from, with our diverse situations, experiences, personalities... no two people come at the same situation from the exact same place.

So this idea of "both together at the same time, without blending" is something that I've felt both really connected to and conflicted by... Immediately it conjured visions of the T'ai qi symbol (you know, the yin and yang symbol with the black and white swirling in a circle).

Clearly, with yin and yang, they are both together at the same time without blending in this representation... like night and day, male and female, etc. 

But what about in real life?  What about say, trying for something very hard AND letting go... can they both be together at the same time without blending?  It sort of makes my brain hurt.  I know many wiser folks than me would say yes yes!  But how do you do this?  

I think for me the answer lies within the question.  You have to be gray. You have to operate under the basic idea that just because one thing is present, it doesn't automatically negate or exclude the other, and visa versa, that you really don't have to choose at all, that there can be things that seem conflicting, but they aren't really, until you make them that way in your mind.  

So, for me, the next time I feel like I need to get my act together and decide, do I want to be more "on the ball" "do more" "achieve more" etc. at the very same time I want to "stop sweating the small stuff," "let go" "enjoy doing less" I will try my best to remember that I can have them both together at the same time without blending and that I don't have to choose.  And if that makes my mind feel like it's going to implode, well, I can always take a few deep breathes! 

-Nicole

Fertility Retreat - Mindfulness for the Ruminating Mind

Below is a preview of February's focus for the mini acupuncture retreat I'm leading :)  Thanks for reading & sharing where you see fit! - Nicole Lange Lic. Ac. MAOM Life Healing Life Acupuncture Clinic

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

Have you ever thought: There is no WAY I could ever meditate, my mind is too busy, crazy, active and wild. I only feel like I’m failing when I try to meditate. I feel frustrated just thinking about it!...  Many people imagine meditation as sitting completely still with one’s mind clear from thoughts. but the February retreat will prove that this is simply not true! 

The February 4th Life Healing Life support group & acupuncture retreat will offer a good ‘ole Minnesotan smorgasbord of meditation options, from moving, walking, eating, cooking and cleaning, to body & breath awareness and quieting the mind.  In addition to receiving acupuncture, you will spend time trying several of the many many options out there and will discover which work best for YOU & how to incorporate them into your daily life to reduce stress, promote fertility and feel more focused, balanced and calm.

I hope you will join me, share your experience, feel support and community, and take some time to nourish your body, mind and spirit!  It is a great way to start your weekend.

Space is limited, please email Nicole (nicole@lifehealinglife.com) to reserve your space by Noon on Friday, February 3rd. 

There is still room for the January 7th retreat on practicing gratitude, email if you’d like to attend 

Wear comfortable clothes and bring a blanket and/or yoga mat and pillow as well as a journal if you wish (not required).  ALL stages of the journey are welcome.  TTC naturally, with ART, 3rd party, adopting, unsure what your next step is... acupuncture pro or newbie... you will be supported and at home here!

Details: First Saturday of each month (February 4th) 9-11:30am @ Carondelet Center 1890 Randolph Ave. Cost $75 per person  Feel free to bring your morning coffee, tea, snacks, etc.  Be sure to eat something before receiving acupuncture!  

Perspective is a good thing.

What an amazing thing perspective is! I just returned from a walk and although it is only 15 degrees (and I'm not a fan of the cold), it occurred to me that 15 degrees feels downright balmy compared to the ten below weather we've had for the past week or so. As I finished my walk it struck me once again...how my whole take on a situation can change with perspective. It is one of those things that never ceases to amaze me. I am well aware of it, have spoken on its wonders, have overcome some of the biggest challenges in my life largely with the help of it, and yet even the simplest example -- a change in the weather -- brings my awareness back to the many other areas of my life I need to keep perspective on.

Maybe a bit of back story would help me make my point. This particular walk, on this particular day was prompted by a frustrating situation I've been facing since last night. The details are not important, but the frustration is key. As I mentioned, this situation started last night, and by today it had escalated (in my mind at least) to a point where I decided that some journaling was in order to help me let off some steam. So, I started to write, but instead of feeling better, (as is usually the case when I write) I found that this particular frustration had so much history that instead of helping me let go of the immediate, the writing was in fact bringing out all the past (which I can't change). "Plan B" was clearly needed, so I bundled up and set off for a walk in the cold. Some physical movement to help the emotional stagnation.

To combat the thoughts of the cold and my frustration, I decided to do a mindfulness meditation while I walked. A naming meditation...

As I walked, I began letting adjectives pop into my mind. Everything I saw, smelt, felt, tasted...I described in my mind. The graceful and bare reeds along the pond, the metallic whoosh of iceskates against the ice, earthy muddy puddles, stubborn trees still holding their dried brown leaves, the clean, crisp and cold air in my lungs...and I walked. I wasn't thinking of my feelings of frustration, I wasn't thinking of the past, I wasn't even thinking of the cold. I was completely in the moment. After a while I felt completely different, exhilarated, content, better than okay...at peace and I was back at my door.

And instead of returning to write more in my journal, I am writing this and pondering perspective, living in the moment and peace. My journal entry will be finished later, but not in the way I'd imagined before I went outside on my walk. Before I was reminded of the beauty, the order, and of course...the perspective that is all around me.

Mind/Body Connection

I had the opportunity to sit in on a mind/body stress reduction class last week which was wonderful, and inspired me to take a little time to write on the subject.

One of the aspects of Chinese medicine I like best is the inseparable connection between the mind and body. It wasn't until I began to study TCM that I realized that the mind and body were viewed as connected in medical history for much longer than not. It was only when dissection became a more common practice in the Renaissance that the mind was removed from "medicine" and put into the separate field of psychology. Thankfully, it is slowly working its way back in, thanks in great part to the demands of patients who are sick of being treated in fragmented parts instead of as whole human beings!

In Chinese medicine, and indeed in other more ancient healing paradigms, the mind body connection has never been dismissed. Chinese medicine believes that the whole body is involved in emotions and thought. Each organ has physical responsibilities, as well as emotional ones. A great example of this are the digestive organs. Not only does Chinese medicine see them as the organs responsible for food being processed and transformed, it views them as being the organs that are primarily affected when there is too much thinking and worry. It gives the sayings "food for thought" and "worried sick" a very literal meaning.

In Chinese medicine, the heart is the most involved organ when it comes to emotions. It is responsible for generating all emotions, perceptions and sensations. Because of this and other factors, the heart is thought of as the emperor or king, and rules over all other organs. I love this concept, because it shows how important emotions, perception and sensations are and implies that unhealthy emotions are extremely powerful in the body. Western research is "proving" this too. Recent studies have shown that as much as 80% of illness has a link to stress.

A study by Blue Shield of California showed that patients who listened to a stress reduction guided imagery cd before undergoing back surgery needed shorter hospital stays, fewer pain medications and cost on average $2,000 less than patients who did no relaxation techniques...what a win win situation. Faster healing, less pain and less cost for everyone! Another study by Kiecolt-Glaser & Glaser at the University of Ohio showed that identical wounds healed significantly slower in people who were acting as caretakers for loved ones with dementia than in those who were not under significant stress, but were otherwise similar in age, sex and economic factors. What's even more interesting, a follow up study by the same researchers showed that less extreme but stressful situations such as a simple disagreement with a spouse could also produce less extreme, but statistically significant delays in healing. (see http://pni.psychiatry.ohio-state.edu/jkg/ad.html for the article on dementia caregivers).

If you find these studies interesting and are interested in the mind/body connection, I would highly recommend a documentary called The New Medicine. It was made for PBS and has many many examples of the mind/body connection including information on the studies I referenced above. You can find it on netflix or learn more and purchase the dvd at: http://thenewmedicine.org/ If you go to the website you can also watch some clips and track your own health using a nifty health planner tool.

If you are interested in understanding your own health from a mind/body connection perspective I would highly recommend:

Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn
Conquering Infertility by Alice D. Domar (if you are trying to conceive)
Checking out a class on Mind/Body, Stress reduction, meditation, relaxation response, yoga, qi gong, etc. (ask me for suggestions!)
And of course...trying Chinese medicine :)