This article originally appeared in the Summer 2007 issue of conceive magazine.
Keeping connected when you’re trying to conceive doesn’t have to be complicated. A noted relationship expert reveals the fertile fruits of real-life romance.
Webster’s defines romance as “a tendency of mind toward the wonderful and mysterious, something belonging rather to fiction than to everyday life.” What could be more wonderful and mysterious than two people joining together, in love, to create a child—right?
This may be true in theory, but in actuality you may be finding schedules, appointments, pressures, hopes, expectations, and fears all getting in the way of romance.
A typical challenge many couples face when trying to conceive is that so much of their attention is focused on creating results that they forget the day-to-day romance of simply enjoying each other’s company. Romance is what makes relationships fun. Romance is the magic. Romance is something that usually catches us just a little off guard; it’s the unexpected, kind gesture that really communicates love. Ultimately, it’s romance that makes us want to create a child with someone else.
At the beginning of a relationship, romance comes naturally. Remember how you treated each other before you became preoccupied with thoughts of sharing households and children? Did you make phone calls for no reason but to hear each other’s voice? Did your heart sing over a casual touch or a deep look into each other’s eyes? Romance doesn’t have to cost money or take up much time. Romance is simply loving thoughtfulness. Here are some tips to remind you how to keep the romance thriving in your relationship:
Stay In The Present Moment
One of the challenges of trying to conceive is that a lot of expectation and fear get mixed into the trying. Both these emotions take our thoughts out of the present and into the past or future. When you become aware that you’re thinking about the past or the future—especially while being romantic or making love—take a deep breath and bring your attention back to the present moment. It’s in the present that contentment, joy, and a true connection with your partner can be found.
Look Into Each Other’s Eyes
There’s a reason for the saying, “Eyes are the windows to the soul.” It’s almost guaranteed that you’ll feel your love for your partner, and his for you, when you’re looking deeply into each other’s eyes. Take a moment every day to consciously share a glance across the table, to simply gaze at each other, to establish eye contact when saying “I love you” or making love.
Touch With No Agenda
Couples falling in love touch each other, hold hands, and put their arms around each other. They hug and kiss. They connect physically without it always being a prelude to sex. Amazingly, couples who have been together for a long time can manage to go through an entire day without touching. Make a conscious point of touching your partner in a loving way each day.
Communicate Your Love
Take advantage of opportunities to say, “I love you,” both directly and indirectly. Send each other romantic emails or make a quick call during the day. Spend an hour walking and talking together or just turn off the TV and spend the time exploring hopes, dreams, plans for the house . . . whatever. Keep your curiosity about each other alive.
Appreciate The Silence
An equally important form of communication is to be comfortable together in silence. Enjoy each other’s company without the need for words.
Laugh!
Maintaining a sense of humor is critical to keeping the joy alive in any relationship. Seek out opportunities to laugh together.
Do Silly Little Things
Romance can have a silly edge to it. Life can get so serious that it’s invaluable to remember to lighten up. Enjoy being playful together as you explore falling in love with your partner again and again.
Spend Time Together
Make a point of going out on “dates.” Plan picnics, movie nights, walks on the beach, or just watch the sunset from your back porch.
Plan Celebrations
Don’t wait until it’s a special day like an anniversary or birthday to buy the flowers, make the reservations, or purchase the card or gift. Think through special occasions ahead of time, and occasionally, plan a celebration for no reason at all. The thoughtfulness and consideration will be noticed even more than the present.
Put It In Writing
Poetry and love letters have been sweet expressions of love throughout the ages. They are time-proven symbols of romance.
Acknowledge Your Partner
It’s romantic to be acknowledged and appreciated. When you see your spouse doing something right, let him know that you appreciate it. Thank him for his effort, no matter how small. Try to savor your time together today; life is continuously changing, especially as you build a family, and this time of your lives together will never be repeated.
Re-Create
Recreation has the power to re-create a relationship and to restore the joy in being together. Give yourselves time away from all the stresses of everyday life, cell phones, computers, bills, and duties—and occasionally away from children or thinking about having children. Rather than waiting for a vacation once a year to relax together, take mini-vacations that may be as short as a couple of hours or as long as a weekend getaway.
Putting some lighthearted romance back into your relationship will not only help you during this time of conception, but will continue to give you strength as a couple—and as parents.
Eve Eschner Hogan is the author of five books, including How to Love Your Marriage: Making Your Closest Relationship Work (Hunter House Publishers, 2006). Her website is www.evehogan.com.
This article originally appeared in the Summer 2007 issue of conceive magazine.
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