I don't fit in.

What an isolating and terrible thing, this thing called infertility.  It's not enough to say that it strains relationships with those you care about and love dearly.  The friend who used to be by your side through thick and thin now just can't seem to understand why you can't "be happy for her" as she welcomes her baby into the world and you stay behind, wanting desperately to join her.  The sister who was younger and always looked to you for advice is passing you by. Your parents want to be supportive but say the wrong things. Your partner is on a different page and doesn't respond the way you wished he/she would.  It is a stress and strain that can bust things that once seemed rock solid, shake things that you would have sworn were unshakable.  It is harder than you would have ever dreamed.

And to all this, there is even more.  The feeling of not fitting in even amongst those you have an unspoken connection with fellow women struggling to conceive...

Well, at least I don't have it as bad as her.
She doesn't have it nearly as bad as me.

I can't believe she's been through this (how many!) times?
They must think I'm crazy to still be doing this (how many!) times.

At least you know what it's like to be pregnant
At least you haven't had to go through the pain of miscarriage.

I hope I don't end up like her.
They don't want to end up like me.

I don't think I could ever adopt but good for her.
They just hope they won't have to adopt like me.

And yet, it is human to feel these things. We suffer as they weigh on us as we feel all alone. I know from my classes, it is possible for a group of women to connect in amazing and supportive ways, and yet to feel alone.  I guess this is just another example of when things are both together at the same time without blending the two.  There is one that feels "right" and one that feels "wrong" yet both are logical and both are real and to just take a step back and know that it is true and okay and human is to give yourself a little more breathing room.

I don't think there is a way to make this go away, but I think there is a way to make it less alone feeling, and that way is to honor that it is happening. Here's to fewer elephants in the room, here's to calling them out.  It changes nothing, it changes everything.